Just Thinking Out Loud

It's been a while since I've been here. A lot has changed but a lot has not changed. I want to write but my head is always changing things.

It's been over 5 years since Jeremy's suicide and i still think about him everyday. Lately I've been thinking that it's ok and it's not my fault but also everyday i have the pugs and it makes me wonder if anything or could have done would have changed his fate.

The things i have done or tried to do since his death have and have no changed me. I go through life now wondering STILL why am i here and is it all really REALLY worth it?

I think about that pugs and how i am gonna be when they pass away. I spend almost all my time with them and even just remotely thinking about when they pass, how am i gonna face the pain. These boys are the loves of my life. Not only are they my boys they are Jeremy's boys too. The last links to him and then what do i have left?

As i lay here in the dark i look back at my life and i have had some great experiences and yet i still feel like i need more or it's not good enough. I work at a smoke shop and i work shows occasionally, then i play hockey sometimes also. But what else do i have? Nothing.

My life has nothing to show for it. When i die, what do people say? They don't say anything because i never left anything for anyone to say. Why have i chosen this path? I'll never know why and not all the therapy in the fucking world will even come to answer this question.

So why? What really is the point of being in the world?

Why should we witness all these terrible crimes and horror stories. We the world are destroying ourselves and we do know it but no one wants to do anything about it. And the few that do are not strong enough to help.

My future i have never ever even thought about. After my mom and gram pass away where does that leave me? It leaves me with nothing. Will i even allow myself to find another relationship with another man. Yes there have been opportunities but i never went through with it.

I will be 35 in a week and what will happen after that?

What do i want from life? I don't think i ever wanted anything or anyone. Will that ever change and how do i change that? Once again what is all this Life thing all about and what will come about it?

We make our own fate. You can choose your own life if you want to and you can choose your own death. When will that be? Soon i hope.