Monday Journal

Monday:

Once again i didn't get much sleep. I will have to remember to tell Dr. C that. I made a list of  stuff to talk about today if i talk to him. If not tomorrow.

I'm waiting to talk to D about my disability forms so i can fill them out and get it out in the mail today. The questions on there i have already answered when i was on the phone but now that i am still here do i answer them as if i will be in here longer?

Skipped current events this morning. I didn't feel like getting up and getting dressed right away. this place has actually made me pretty damn lazy. Let's hope i can get back on track when i get out.

I have to do laundry today. I'm running out of clothes here and once again I'm feeling pretty lazy about doing it. Then there's the famous empowerment we have today. Only my favorite part of my day!! NOT!! What else is on the agenda today here? Oh Hope, Health and Recovery which we didn't have last week for some reason oh wait no we did have it but it was just with Dr. D and no Rev Dr. last week so that pretty much sucked having 2 groups with Dr D. Then i have gym which i think i have gone once since it was added to my schedule. I may go today if i feel like it. I maybe biz with my word seek though. I actually really like doing those.

I talked to Dr. C quickly today and told him what i was thinking about transition wise. I felt rushed by him though. I didn't get to talk about everything i wasn't to but i did tell him the basic of what i was fearing. We talked at 10:45am and i had empowerment at 11am so that's why it was so rushed.

I don't want to go out there in the outside and be totally unprepared. I want to be totally ready to go out there and i don't want to be rushed. If i have to stay longer to be prepared then that's fine. I want the team to make sure that i am ready to go out there and that i ham prepared. I need to get some passes so i can start making contacts about my job(s). For the first time i am very frightened of the unknown and i have always gone into everything with my head down and just made it.

What is the point of being here at the hospital if you are only going to be here for 3, 5, 10 days? How much help do you really get in that time? In that 3-10 days any of them could fall on a weekend so you lose 2 days in that alone. What's the point?

 Then there's the question of how long is too long? 30 days, 60 days, 90 days? I guess that depends on the person and their illness. In my case how long is too long? Have i been here too long that i may have a hard time adjusting back in the real world. Is this just the right amount of time for me? I think only time will tell. I can adjust pretty well to any situation but i have lost a lot of confidence since being here but i have gained no fear attitude since being here so does that counter act for the confidence?

Ive been a bit more jittery lately. I think it maybe from the Effexor finally kicking in. I don't really feel any better but i don't feel any worse right now. My hands are shaking a bit ore so it shows in my writing.

I never head the announcement for dinner tonight. That's weird because that loud speaker can wake someone in a fucking coma. I'm not that hungry anyways and if i am i can grab that other lunchable so it's fine or wait until snack. Although i do have a Charleston chew in the drawer that i can have. I brushed my teeth already though so i don't think ill have anything else tonight. Had a hot chocolate a while ago and it was good as usual. The hot chocolate here is just like the PPC hot chocolates. I still have my vitamin water (defence) from the other day. I finished off my great tea on this morning i think it was.

R was to call me at 4:30 and no call. She forgets everything but no biggy but i wanted to tell her i put in for a pass and ill find out tomorrow if i get it. I hope i get it and i think it will be 50/50. If i don't get it i can tell that i maybe here pace December or longer. If i do get it then i maybe out at the end of the month.

Sunday Journal

Sunday:

It's Sunday and it's 11:15am. I just decided to get up and write. Motivation for me is getting harder and harder I've noticed. I don't mind writing because it's right here next to me and i can still stay in my bed also.

I didn't sleep well last night again. I maybe slept 2 hours again. I was almost asleep until K stared ranting and raving around 3 or 4am. I was pretty pissed about that too. It's a nightly thing too but last night was the worst. The 3rd shift team needs to tel him to be quiet when he is up there.

I feel pretty good again for not sleeping much the past 2 days but i was like that before i was taking the ambien. I'm wondering if I'm starting to get immune to the ambien since i think it's habit forming. I think the klonipin is habit forming also. I've been noticing my hands shaking here and there and when i lay in bed i twitch a lot which is kinda annoying when you are almost asleep. Fucking meds!

Since I'm spending so much time in my room I'm surprised they don't note it to Dr. C. I'm waiting for him to ask me about it. I feel a bit panicky today. My heart feels like it's racing, hands are a bit shaky and i feel nervous. I'm just chilling in my room too.

Layed around for a while and decided to do my word seeks. Finished off my first book finally and now I'm trying to finish off my little book. Listening to my ipod now and its on shuffle. R called really quick to let me know how E did in his hockey games. they won 2 and lost 1. They have 1 more game to go. R said she had to run back to the hospital and said that she would call at 9. I'm not counting on it but at least she tries.

Ive been thinking about Jeremy today and the way he died. He really died alone and didn't give any indication that he wanted to commit suicide. I thought i knew what it was like to be in his shoes but i see now that i really didn't. Covering himself up to make sure who ever found him didn't see the damage he did to himself. I really want to know just how alone and what he was thinking before he did it. It's getting to me again thinking that i really wish i could have helped him again. He didn't deserves to go out like he did. I def feel lost and alone with him here on this earth. Looking at all the pictures of him in my book in every picture he is smiling. What went so wrong that he had to go and shot himself. The situation is just so fucked up and i can't get that image of him in that bed covered up. I never saw it but it doesn't take that much imagination. I think i am really facing the reality of this whole ting and the new details. I still cant comprehend how he got the gun. If he didn't have the gun could he have gone through hanging himself? He did have the rope for a week. Maybe he still would have been here. I don't think he would have hung himself but yet again i never would imagine him shooting himself. So determined that he shot twice. Even though he flinched the first time and missed. I wish he would have thought more after that first shot. I wonder how long in between it was with the shots. I just wish i wasn't such an asshole and just sucked it up and helped him anyways that i could have. Even if it came down to him taking the pugs for a while. I feel like i was really selfish about this whole thing. The break up that is. I really regret telling him i wouldn't be friends with him for as long as he was with M. I'm pissed at the fact that she is just trying to forget Jeremy. You don't forget a boy like that. No matter how long you knew him for he always made a mark on you.

Saturday's Journal

I hardly slept at all last night. I might have slept maybe 2 hours total. But i'm not that tired right now. I'll be sticking with the ambien thank you very much.

I skipped breakfast because i was to lazy and tired to get up. I managed to get up quickly around 9 to take my meds. J had to remind me of that, then i layed in bed until about 10 and finally got up and got dressed. I decided that i was lundry and really wanted Kix cereal. So i singed out and went to the caf and got my Kix. I got a hot chocolate too, They are so good i couldn't resist.

Told the nurse that i was using out of my 2 hour pass and everything is cool. It's only 10:30 and my mom and Pacey don't come until noon. What am i to do with an hour and a half? I guess i can listen to the ipod and do a word seek for a while.

My momma is late with my pug. It's about 10 after 12 i think and she isn't here. She said she'd be here at noon. I just want to see my Pacey Pug. I'm asking for much you know. I guess we're gonna go to the caf and get something to eat and then walk with him on the ground. I'm sure he will pee and poop on everything he see's too. He's that kind of pug.

Finally got to see the world famous Pacey Pug!! I think he's gotten fatter too. He saw me and gave me some kisses and i hugged his rolls haha. I was so happy to see him. So me and my mom got some sandwiches from the caf to eat so we went outside since it was gorgeous out. We found some picnic tables on the grounds and ate there. Pacey has his fair share of the sandwiches in which he didn't need. Then we walked across the parking lot to where the duck pond was. All the ducks were out of the pond and in the grass. Pacey didn't even notice them even with all the squawking going on. He was more concerned on what was the next thing to pee on. That's my boy. We found a couple of more picnic tables that were net to the pond and sat down again to watch the ducks. Me and the mom's didn't say much today. It wasn't a bad thing. Then we walked back to the car and i check my mail out. Nothing that good. I got more paper on the disability to fill out so i have that to write to D and ask him a few questions about what to write.

Tomorrow is Sunday, yet another boring weekend day. I'll almost likely hide in my room and attempt to sleep the day away. I never sleep during the day anymore and i miss that too. I'll listen to the ipod and so some word seeks. I have to do laundry tomorrow. Hopefully i can get out of bed to do that. So that's my day tomorrow.

I'm staring to get down again. Maybe i am just getting back to "normal" or i could be falling again. I'm pretty worried about the future. About when i get out of here. I'm not facing reality. I haven't worried in almost 2 months, the Casino is done tomorrow. Capitol will have shows at the Verizon but they are fan and few between bacause of the Monarchs playing their hockey. I can try to call J at PE and see what she could get me but there isn't a lot of concerts that they do in the winter. It's mostly convention stuff at the CONH i think. PE does show at the Tsongas but there isn't that many either. So i'm kinda stuck.

I pretty much have so place to live right now when i gout out. I don't think i can go back to my mom's. It's just too much of a negative environment for me. If i live somewhere i have to have a roommate because it's not healthy for me to live by myself. I have to find a place that will allow 2 dogs also. I have a monster car payment and i have 2 more years left on it and i don't think my car will last that long unless I'm in here for a while. So playing rent along with my car payment i think i will have to make over a 1000 a month. Then there's other stuff like utilities, heat, cable, Internet, car insurance, cell phone, food, pug stuff. So i would add at least another 400 on that. So 1400 a month for me to live on my own. So i would have to be pulling in at least 400 a week. Where am i going to make 400 a week? I know i could i worked constantly with PE. I worked 2 days with them and i made over 300 but how much will they use me thought. I did burn them the first time i was in the hospital. If i didn't have my car payment then i wouldn't worry that much but it's a huge expense. I want to play hockey but that costs money too and i;m pretty sure i won't have the money for that and that bums me out. I have reasons to be worried. I'll talk to Dr. C about this also. My options are closing in on me. I think R could let me stay there but i think she's afraid of me slipping and harming myself again. D's house is too expensive to live in. His roomie pays 900 a month to live there and then he has his other expenses.

I don't want to go back to my shitty dead end jobs again. I found what i want to do and it seems like it's slipping away from me. I want to continue what i am doing because it makes me happy to do my job. I work with rock stars all day, who wouldn't want that job? My passion is music and i was making money and moving up quickly. Can i start over again and make just as much progress as i did in the summer or did i miss my chance when i went into this hospital.

Friday Journal

Friday:

The soreness isn't as bad as i thought i would be. They do say the second day is worse though. My shoulders and arms are sore the most. I was very happy to play yesterday and i can't wait to play again.

I woke up early again. I should check and write down what time i do wake up everyday. My door was open a bit so i had to close it a couple of times. that bothered me a bit. I got up for breakfast then went back to bed. Not like i slept but i was being lazy. I have been spending a lot of time in my room lately thought. I got up and got dressed around 11. I let the staff know that i was going on pass around 1ish.

Today i feel ok. Not as good as the rest of thew week. Maybe my visit with R will help my spirits. No groups today because of the holiday which is sweet. No empowerment again. I only had to sit through it once this week.

Tomorrow is the bid day hopefully. The day i see my Pacey Pug. Assuming that the weather is ok tomorrow my mom will bring him up. I miss those little curly tails. I can't wait to see Pacey's mug when he see's me. I'll probably cry when i see him. He's my boy after all. The Linkin maybe come up next week? We'll See. I do miss the little rotten brain for sure. I miss his helicopter tail and i swear he's gonna take off one day with that tail wagging so fast.

Got back from my 2 hour pass 10 minutes late and they didn't say anything. R and J came up and we went to Longhorns restaurant. I had a salad and a backed potato with a strawberry lemonade. It wasn't bad either. Then we made a quick jaunt to Target so i could pick up some toothpaste. I ended up getting 4 vitamin waters, gum and some breath mints. I can never have enough.

So i skipped dinner because i had a late lunch but then J asked me to pick up his Chinese food for him in the lobby. I got some veggie fried rice which wasn't too bad and some chicken teriyaiki that wasn't that good really. I'm trying to eat better and that didn't help. I'll try again tomorrow.

Waiting for my mom to call to settle up plans for the weekend.  I really have my heart set on seeing my Pacey Pug. Hopefully she'll call soon and we can figure out what's going on.

R's sister got me a pug puppy calendar which is super cute and i got a letter from R's brother also. I'll write him back probably tomorrow if i have any time. My schedule here lately has been really filled up hahah. I need to take a show but i want to wait til the mom's to call first. I still wasn't able to deposit my check because i couldn't find a BOA. I'll get it done sometime soon hopefully. V said i can cash it at the cashiers so i'll check it out on Monday when they open up again.

Thursday Journal

Thursday:

I'm waiting for "approval" to go play hockey on my 2 hour pass. D is coming around 10am to get me. I can't wait and i just hope they will let me play. I don't see why not in the first place. Why would they give me the pass if i couldn't go out. I've been having an awesome week. that phone call from H  made a huge difference. I think i will be finally talking to Dr. C today but who knows thought. I'm listening to Duran Duran's greatest hits. I miss them and i'm wondering when their new album is coming. I wish they would have played a Boston show but i probably wouldn't have been able to go to it anyways. It's only 9:08am, I know time will be stopping haha.

Just got back from hockey and it was awesome. It was just me D and some random guy. It was good to just get my feet from under me again. Took about 20 minutes but it worked out. I'm still having a hard time with stick handling but i can manage that pretty quick. I got to shave which was great since i was pretty hairy. Me and D got Wendy's after for lunch and ate it here and chatted. It was a great chat i think. He's a good friend for sure. I think i'm gonna be pretty sore tomorrow i can feel it kicking in already. I'm pretty tired also and i need to take a nap but i have groups in 2o minutes. The team changed my schedule around so instead of Strength Training i now have Anger Management. I've been here for how long and they are just putting me in this group?

Finally got to talk to Dr. C. It was pretty late in the day for him it seemed. I think it was around 4:30ish. So i told him about the phone call and how much that has made an impact on me overall this week. I told him most of the details of what i heard and i told him that i think now no matter how much i may have tried to save Jeremy that he was pretty much set in committing suicide. I think Dr. C what a s bit shocked to hear how much improvement i made with that 1 phone call. He told me that we'll see what this weekend brings me. Also he si going to have me try a different medication called Trazadone to sleep with. It's used for people who have insomnia and also for a antidepressant also. I don't know if he's going to take me off Effexor if the trazadone helps me sleep but i am worried that it may make me like i was on the Remeron, which wasn't pretty. He'll probably start me off on a really low dose so it won't effect me too much. Dr. C is also going to meet with me 2x a week now and will try to talk with me on Monday. He was thinking of working on the transitioning stage too, I'm a bit frightened by the prospect of it now because i have no place to live and don't know how much work i will be able to get. Those are really big factors and i also know that i need a postive environment.

I can't live alone. I don't want to be released early and not be totally comfortable with my state of mind even thought i maybe in a good place now. I'd rather stay here work on the stuff i need help with and get totally prepared for what's gonna happen on the outside. I have a mega car payment as it is so that takes up more than a lot of peoples rent. Then i have the pugs and i can't leave them alone all day and it's hard to find a place would allow 2 precious pugs.

R just called, her and the boys are coming up to take me to lunch. Should be good times i think. She's gonna bring me to BOA so i can cash well deposit that last Casino check. It will be good to see R and the boys. I haven't see her in like 3 weeks and she's my best friend.

Oh i emails J from work and just gave him a quick update on what was going on and i thanked him for a great season and giving me the opportunity to work there. I hope to here from him sometime next week.

Now it's time to take my meds and call it a day. I have spent most of my day laying in bed pretending to sleep through. Gots to brush the teeth and then take my meds. I hope to sleep well and not be sore

Wednesday Journal

Wednesday:

Woke up pretty early this morning to K yelling. Nothing new in the day in the life of Unit E. I feel pretty good today. I didn't want to hit up the ceramics but i got my sorry ass up and dressed. So i went and painted this cheesy flower and i also picked up my hot plate. I'm going to give that to the mom's and i'll make another one for grandma also next week.

I just hit up the library and replied to a couple of emails. I'll slowly catch up since i only have a few more to replay to anyways. Hopefully i'll get my 30 minute pass so i have more time to do that stuff. I miss Myspace and i have to catch up on there too. When i go to the library again i'll bring paper so i can write down the track names of the Cd's L brought me. I will make a list of some others that i want also.

I don't think we have Empowerment today. The last thing they called was lunch so it works for me. I'm not gonna complain. I've been laying in bed all day pretty much. I haven't fallen asleep but i have been resting. I missed woman's group because i'm lazy and i was really toasty warm in the bed.

No Dr. C today, I guess he wasn't in at all so that sucks that i couldn't talk to him yet again. I got my request back on the 30 minute pass and it said that they would discuss it with Dr. C tomorrow. So i have to wait another day on that.

I'm gonna call my mom a little later tonight. I hope D calls in a while so we can figure out the plan. I want to play tomorrow and hang out with R on Friday since i haven't seen her in 2 weeks and she's going to Dallas i think next week.

I've been getting pretty bored or walking the halls lately and i've been getting tired faster. I wonder if it's the meds that are doing that. If i play hockey we will see just how out of shape i am.

D finally called and he said he's been trying to call for 3 days. He didn't try that hard, anyways tomorrow we are playing hockey. I think it's at 11:30am and i can't wait to skate. He's supposed to call back with details tonight. He has to go to the ER to see R to get my equipment. I hope to get a good nights sleep but i am getting excited to play now.

Called my mom earlier and told her about the new things that i heard about Jeremy's death. She found them interesting. I told her i feel better because of that phone call. I also said i can think of good times finally. She told me that if it's a nice weekend she would bring The Pacey Pug!! I miss him and he misses his momma too. So i hope the weather is decent this weekend. I'm sure we can work something out. Maybe they will let me bring him on the unit to show to the staff. He could hang out for a little while. That would be really fun i think. How can you not love a pug? It's the Pace Picante coming. I just want to give him a huge hug were his neck rolls go up to his face. As for Linkin, I miss him lots too My little Rotten Brain. He is doing well at the house being his usual self yelling at the Tv and humping Seamus.

Tuesday Journal

Tuesday:

There's frost on the ground here this morning. I'm glad i don't have to go out there. I think sleep was pretty good last night. I moved over 1 more room towards the back hall so it is a big more quieter because you can't here K yapping away to the nurses station. I think i had this room before too the first time i was here. N was my roomie and then she went AWOL. I took there bed closest to the heater and then light above me doesn't work so that's a bonus. There room seems to be a bit warmer than the others that I've been in.

So far there day seems pretty positive today. Once again i feel this relief about hearing some of the stuff that happened to Jeremy. It's hard to describe other than a weight has been lifted and i feel a bit more closer to closure with his death. Is this "It has to end to begin"? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I know i may find out in the next couple of day. I almost find comfort in how desecrate he was when he shot himself by covering himself up and even just confirming that it was his father's gun has helped me even though i suspected  it all along. I hope i get to talk to Dr. C today about it. Even though we haven't really talked about Jeremy in a week or so. I think this is a major progress on it's own. 

Today for groups i have Wellness in which i don not want to go to. There's Loss and Recovery which is boring and painful to go through. Visual journaling and Gym. I think i need to hit up the gym for sure today. D needs to call me so we can confirm when we are going to play hockey. I want to play on Thursday. R and the boys want to take me out for lunch of Friday since they have a half day. That's really nice of the boys to do that for me. I think if i play hockey that will be a big help too. I need to get that extra anger out. I'll probably play horrible but it will be my first time playing since early September. That's actually a good amount of time not playing. I know i am out of shape and if i go i will really find out how out of shape i am.

On another Jeremy note. Now that this has come out i can finally thinking about the good times we had. This is a first since his death.

Went to wellness even though i didn't want to. It was a good thing because L brought her dog Cooper. He's a really good dog and she was telling me they used to have a pug come in as the therapeutic dog.

I just want to the library and check my email and emptied out all the Myspace and other random stuff. I only had 15 minutes so i could only reply to C's email. I'll try to go again and replay to other peoples emails  to me. They are kinda piling up a bit but I'll put in a request today to get the 30 minute privs.

I'm listening to the new Dr. C mix and i am pretty happy with it. I may switch a couple songs but i don't know which ones just yet.

We just had a code green. JK was in the caf and threw a couple of chairs at the windows. I didn't see it but it sounded interesting. Unit G for the past 3 days has been wild. Code green city for that unit. That staff is working for every dollar haha.

I never met up with Dr. C today which was a bummer. He only met up with a couple of people today. I spent most of the day trying to nap but i didn't fall asleep. So now I'm pretty tired and it's only 5:40pm. D needs to call tonight and i have to remember that Nip/Tuck is on at 10pm tonight. I may have to go to the caf and get a today with caffeine to stay up. I think i finally finished my mix for Dr. C and I'm listening  to it now. I'm going to listen to it again just to make sure it sounds right. I am sick of hearing some of the songs on here but they are pretty essential to the his mix. 

3 people were discharged today from the unit. Yeah i wasn't one of them. So it's pretty empty in the E unit right now. I still have my own room. I think i have earned it. Putting up with L for 3 days was a test. I hope G comes to check in tonight. I'm feeling ok, the high of last night is wearing off but i still feel good knowing some of the things.

Monday Journal

Monday:

The dreaded Monday, I'm skipping current events so i can be lazy this morning. Today i feel pretty good. I think i actually got a decent nights sleep last night which is a first in a while. Before i went to bed i put in a request for team to get back my 2 hour passes and get 15 minute privs 3x a shift. I doubt I'll get the 2 hour pass today but i was worth a try and i will put in a request everyday this week until i get it. Hopefully i will get it tomorrow so i can go and play hockey on Thursday at the rink with D. Ok back to bed for me. I will wake up around 10:30 and get dressed for empowerment.

Then day went by pretty fast today. I was having a positive day. I also had a good chat with Dr. C and P today. We talked about last week and how i am feeling today. I told them about me doing the coping skills G told me to write down and do. I told Dr. C that i was a roller coaster because of the meeting we had on Friday and it bothered me all weekend. I got some privs back. I have my 2 hour community pass back and 15 minutes 3x a shift. I was surprised that i got both. Now i need a night pass. Oh i also said i wanted to play stick practice on Thursday with the 2 hour pass. I told them i really missed hockey a lot and that i want to play again.

I got a call from H. One of Jeremy's friends today. I think as bad as what i Read it was the best think i could have heard. It was hard to hear but i feel like this weight was lifted off my back. It was some sort of closure to the death of Jeremy. She told me M left around 10-10:30am and she tried calling the house at noon and never heard from him. This was on Friday. Then finally M went to the house around 10pm and found him with a sheet and hoodie over him. And he was in the bed. They think the time of death was round 11 or 12 noon. I thought it was midnight on Friday. Also the police found some rope and a receipt form the week before in a bag in the basement. So there was some sort of plan. He was also skipping appointments for his therapy also. The biggest thing of it all was that the gun was Jeremy's father. I don't know if she was award or when he got the gun. From the moment i found out he killed himself i knew he shot himself. He did take a bunch of pills also. I find it ironic that we both tried or were thinking the same lines of suicide. I feel less guilt now, I feel relieved about some of this. Some of my answers are answered. I think i maybe finding hope that i can get over his death and get out of my head.

Sunday Journal

Sunday:

Well they took away these notebooks so i was using the green notebook. But now i 'm back with this one. I had a really rough night last night and i actually cried too. I'm losing control of my emotions totally and i feel dead now. I'm going to lay in bed all day unless i get a call. I finished a lot of my suicidal notes except for the one for the staff here. It was really hard to write but i got through all of them. Now i have to get the perfect timing to finish myself off unless someone can get to me and my head first. 40 days here and i feel like i have gone no where but down. I'm waiting for the staff to give up on me any day now. Most of my friends are moving on or i really scared them. I would be too if i were them. R, I have no idea what is going on with her and that worries me the most out of all of this. She's gone so far with me to help me and i think I've put too much stress on her and it's really effecting everything around her so maybe that's why she's calling. And of course i always think of worse case . I scenario in everything. 

So for me to lose here is definitely just as big as a loss as losing Jeremy as of right now. I just need to talk to her to find out what the situation really is and hopefully i can get it out of here the next time she calls. If she ever does call.

I think i may have slept better last night that i have all week which is good for me but i just feel so angry and sad and i don't even know why at this point. I do feel empty and numb at the same time.

So i actually got up and got dressed. I don't even why. I think i got bored of laying in bed since i couldn't sleep. I feel like starting trouble today. I went in the caf and plugged in my ipod charger. Then while i the ipod was charging i did 2 find-a-words and then i took a few laps and i still feel horrible. My roomie is out of bed which only happens a couple of times a day. She seems friendly enough and I'm wondering what brought her here. I wonder if she is also depressed too, That's what it seems like but I'm just guessing.

Had dinner and i was hoping to have a grilled cheese and what did i get, yeah a grilled cheese. So that was a surprise. Also R finally called me around 4pm. We talked about 30 minutes. I just told her that i needed her to call me everyday if she could. I does make me feel better. I walked the halls and listened to the KT CD. It's such a good CD. The day is getting a bit better.

Tomorrow is Monday and the week starts all over again. I'm not looking forward to empowerment tomorrow. I also have Hope, Help and Recovery which isn't bad but it's still boring. I'm hoping to talk and hash it out with Dr. C tomorrow. I just hope i can tell him how frustrated i am with myself and the way there treatment plan is going. I want to know his insight on what he thinks is going on with me and my head games with myself.

I've been talking with my roomie D and she seems pretty cool to talk to. We have some pretty good convo's. She's in her mid 40's and is from Rochester so that's pretty ironic. She has major depression also so i think we may get along pretty well. I don't think she'll be here long though. It's hard to connect with people here since there are so many different people with different illnesses. There's really no one like me.

Tuesday Journal

Tuesday:

Still only sleeping a few hours because of various happenings within the unit. It's tough and it's becoming a huge annoyance and i think it makes my mood even worse.

I tried 3x to strange myself last night with my ipod headphones. It didn't work. I got tired of holding it after a few minutes. I couldn't get it tight enough either. I have something else planned for tonight so i will be making my notes now. I'll write later.......

I just talking to M and we talked for about 30 minutes. I told her how i felt and i gave her the power to do what she See's fit. Right now I'm content but i just want to hang out in my room and try to sleep since i didn't get much last night. Something is always going on between 2am and 4am. That could still have a huge roll in this situation.

M tells me I'm 30 and i have so much to live for. She's right but i can't see past my thoughts. I'm tired and content with everything. There's nothing to hold me back and I'm sorry to everyone i just hope i don't fuck anyone up as badly as Jeremy did to me. I don't think that i am that close to anyone but R and I'm sure everyone moves on in the end.

Right now I'm on a level 2 which someone is keeping an extra eye on me. I did tell M i did have a plan and i wish i said i didn't say that. They are probably searching my room now for something that i could hurt me and i should have kept it with me.

I feel so sad that i can't even describe it at this point. I feel calm, relaxed, thoughtless, alone, sick to my stomach, watched, distracted by listening to the Keane album. Angry from K yelling, annoyed from all of the noise in general. I like my quiet place and i can't get to that now.

Monday Journal

Monday:

So today has been a really hard day. I'm not up to facing reality. I think of anything but revenge. Revenge on Jeremy. I want to go find him and stab him and tell him how bad he hurt me by doing this. The effect of him put me in this fucking hospital. this day i don't feel like they can't help me. I don't want help either. I just feel like finishing myself off. I think people will be in shock but then a time goes on people just move on. Maybe if i kill myself i can feel happy like the previous days. does being suicidal make you crazy?

Me and Dr. C were talking today about how i am saving and helping everyone else out but never helping myself out. I'm the strong one.  I can't be this way. That's just what i think. Well I'm done saving me and everyone else.

I think i have lived a good life or maybe i just maybe have made the best of the situation that i could.  I am still content and do not regret anything just about.

I've been alone my whole life so why not die alone. We all die alone anyways. I've spent my whole life caring for myself and when i was with Jeremy he helped me by taking care of me and i did the same for him. It was just in different ways.

Dr. C wants me to write an angry letter to Jeremy but right now i don't see the point because he's never going to see it anyways. But I'll just write it to appease him.

Sunday Journal

Sunday:

Today is Sunday and the time has changed. It is now an hour earlier. Things have changed since yesterday. I am going downhill and i am isolated myself again. D will be coming and i think that i will stay on the unit today. I just don't feel like doing anything again. It probably doesn't help that i heard K at 3am and i didn't go back to sleep. My sleep patterns are declining each night and it seems like. I haven't been too hungry lately either. I'm not going to complain about that because i gained all the weight back i lost last month. I just don't feel angry but i don't feel much at all again. Thoughts are creeping back slowly. What is causing this? Why am i feeling like this?

I am listing to JEW, the Futures album and it's just an amazing album. I love just about every song. I wish i could write like them. I remember the last time me and Jeremy saw them It was at the Avalon and we were both amazed on how good they were. WE did see them another time in Providence but it wasn't as good as the Avalon show.

I noticed my room is filling up with various stuff i have gotten from home. My photo albums, more clothes and other various stuff. It makes me question how long i will be here. Are they pushing me to quickly. Do they think i am making progress quicker than they thought. Will i fuck it up by falling down again? When do i really want to get out of here anyways? I think it scared a lot of my friends at the prospect that yes i am in here but just how long i could be in here. I think after a while people just may forget me here. Just like after Jeremy killed himself. People were there at first but then they move on. Maybe that's just natures path.

back from my 2 hour pass with D. I think it went well. We caught up to date on each other and heard how the hockey team was doing. I really needed that pass. I was starting to lost it a bit. I think staff saw it too but didn't say anything. After Dave left i head to the back of my room to nap. I can't sleep without my meds now. that sucks so bad. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  I woke up and i got up around 7:30pm. did a quick walk up and down the halls and came back to write. It's hard to write when you aren't feeling anything.

I'm listening to Sheryl Crow's The Globe Sessions. It's a great album to listen to since a lot of the lyrics sound so familiar to what is happening here. Or maybe i can make it think that i relates to me. I hope R calls tonight. I would like to see her this week since i haven't seen her since last Wednesday. I think she maybe working tonight but I'm not sure.

Oh i mentioned to D that if he needs a new roommate that i maybe able to move in. He was cool with it too. But i told him i wasn't sure or not though and i said my mom's house was a bad place for me to be. He's a pretty positive person and we get along really well. He can make me go to the gym too which i hate.

Satuday Journal

Saturday:

I still feel on that hyper high here. It's a good feeling but maybe it's because i have people coming up today. I may get a tattoo if there's time. I'm not telling the hospital just in case. I don't know if i will even have time to get it done but maybe we can get it started with the drawing and i can go up with R this week.

I got to check my email and i replied to a few. I haven't had a chance to do it really. So that was good. I had my privs bumped up from 15 mins 3x and shift to 30 mins 3x a shift. that gives me time to email and keep in touch.

I got my AM scrapbook from the mom's last night so that was cool to look through. I was losing interest in her i think because of my depression but it's coming back full force. I'm having A forward an email to her from me thanking her for bringing the IP together. I'm gonna write something today and send it tomorrow or Monday. If I'm lucky I'll hear something back.

So D and L came up today. No tattoo today because the place was closed. Bummer, but i not have gotten it because of time constraints anyways. So we went to the mall and just browsed. I got and Atreyu shirt for $6 bucks. Just what i need another shirt. Linnea brought me some new CD's to put on the Ipod. I need the laptop first so hopefully i can get that early this week. After we went to the mall they came in and chatted for a while. It really breaks up the day, since the weekend are nothing here. I say in this place that there is no time but you have so much time to kill.

I think i;m coming down from my happy high now. I've been feeling tired lately and when the girls left i tried to take a nap but i couldn't sleep. I can;t take naps anymore it seems like. I'm not sure why I'm coming down but maybe its just getting used to the new meds. I did start it weds i think it was. there are no hardcore side effects like the Remeron had but it is early.

I just hope to stay positive and stable but if i do fall here i know i will be OK.

The thoughts are starting to come back and i am feeling a bit antsy too. Maybe I'll just walk for a while and hopefully R will call too. We'll see how the nights go i didn't get much sleep last night. I think maybe 4 hours. I would sleep in tomorrow and be lazy but D is coming and i think at 2. So yeah and veg i guess.

Friday Journal

Friday:

Once again as i wake up i am tired but i feel positive. I'ts a strange feeling and i feel almost manic happy. I actually want to smile and i haven't been like this for a while. But of course there's still that downside, I felt the same way when i went up on my Celexa. So we'll see and i'll try to keep focused on everything good.

Just went to the gym and i felt much better than last week. I was running around with the stick and puck and didnt feel so tired and exhuausted that i was ready to pass out. I was working on my wrist and snap shot and my puck handling. It was hard because the stick sucked ass.

Oh I feel like all the side effects from the Remeron are gone. I can walk the halls and not feel like i'm going to black out at any second. My stomach hurt a bit for the past couple of days but not today.

I have to think of someting to talk about for my session today. I can't really think of anything off hand so i have been trying to think of something good. I'm sure i may be able to bullshit some subject at the last minute.

So i had my session with Dr. C and M and it was awesome. I wasn't put on the spot. We just flowed with the topics. I was feeling very positive and we discussed about how i was last week and how difficult it was with me being that way. We are going to take steps back wh i am down like that.

Hung out with the mom's tonight. It went ok. We're trying to mend it's hard when you have 2 non talkers getting together. But i think we'll be ok and we'll work on it slowly. I also got a lot of calls tonight. I love calls and it's great to catch up

Thursday Journal

Thursday:

Woke up feeling tired still. Not the best place to get a good nights sleep. Doesn't help even with the pills. The days just fly by but there's not time here anyways.

I just walk the halls with my hoodie on and my ipod on.

Just hoping they wouldn't notice. But at the same i wish they would say something. Everything here seems amplified and it's hard to get away. My hope is a quiet place to just reflect.

I feel like giving up, just giving in to what my thoughts are thinking. I'm trying to break my resistance to change. Trying to get to that place where it's OK to live. I don't want to live in my head.

I just want to keep running from the pain. But it just keeps catching up to me.

I need to find what i want. I need to think of a future.

Positive day today. I'm in an upswing right now. It's a good feeling when i feel this way. Nothing isn't my way. That's how i feel. Went to every group today which is a first for me. We didn't have a walking group today though. Went to transitions group and i thought that is the best group out of all of the self help groups. We talked about goals and what we wanted to do to get outs and prevent a relapse. I know it's easy to say what you may do but when you really get out there it maybe a completely different story.

D called tonight and we are planning on hanging out on Sunday. I think it will be good times since we get along so well. We know each other well too. I;m not sure what we'll do but I'm sure we'll do but we can find something cool.

I had a good talk with M today. She's going to be a good PA i think. I'm getting comfortable talking with her also. We talked about my ups and downs. She wanted me to talk about what i wanted to talk about and that was hard but it is part of my treatment plan. I need to talk. We talked a bit about what i may do when get out. The living sitch wise. I will haven't really thought about it. But i did mention my possible options. It was a great talk and she seems to talk to me more than anyone else but that may be just me. We also talked a bit on when i could get out and she said originally 2 months but when i got angry last week they pushed it back a bit but now since have stabilized we maybe getting on track again. I am not making any plans soon on when to get out. I want my meds and myself to be stable and up and down. I told her that my downs were getting worse. So we will figure out how to deal with that and what is causing it.

I'm still reading the chapter of the book Dr. C game me. I have to read it and interpret it in my own way. The chapters were Denial and Isolation, Anger. I passed on with my denial one to M and i said i would work on the other part later. I told her i wanted to be angry a bit to follow it better. So I'm saving it for a bit later.

I'm meeting with the Rev Dr. tomorrow morning to get a quick session in and hopeful I'll be talking with Dr. C  tomorrow as well.

Unknown Journal

Unknown Date:

You find that safe spot when you feel unsafe

Just even a few minutes of quiet will help

Realization of being here is hard to deal with

I make the most of what i got

I can barely see what I'm writing

The pills are starting to take over

Writing what i can before i fall asleep

There are thoughts of 2nd guessing on what meds i need

Do i really need them or can i talk out the issues

Thinking everyday will be a new day

Hoping it is better than the last

But always think how much worse today can be

You are like a ghost here

You need to act out to get what you need

How are will you go to get their attention

I just want someone to tell me what i want to hear

I need to know that suicide is not the answer

I want to feel guilty for hurting the people who love me and like me

"I 'm gonna die on my own terms not yours"

"Standing in a crowd but always feeling alone. Lost in your thoughts, can't stop thinking about those thoughts"

Sia says it has to end to begin. You can take it in 2 contexts. 1 is to let go and start over with no strings attached. Live hour by hour. 2 is to end your life and hope to start another somewhere else if that doesn't happen.

Which one do i want to pick. I think is something i will be faces with everyday. Every hour even. Right now i am feeling positive and hopeful. I am alone hiding in my cubby hole every content. Listening to my Ipod. All is quiet on the unit. It's quiet in my room. No roommate either which is a positive influence.

Lately i have been feeling like not mine. Almost influenced. I've been frightened and maybe woken up a bit. I see it as a progress. I like the state of mind i am in but at the same time i am waiting for the hatchet to come me.

I think getting off the unit lets me get a positive vibe listening to the outside world. It's a great way to break away form the evils in this place. I know i have taken a couple of steps back a bit today. I have taken one forward i think.

Like i said yeah i know that other shoe may drop but i have to get it out what i am thinking or feeling. Put it in a positive way instead of a negative. this maybe the first time i have written a positive letter to myself. Let's hope it continues.

The only negative thing i have to say is that E was discharged today. He really helped me get through some of these dark days. He was always a positive person no matter what he was going through. Some how even at my darkest hour he made me smile. Not many people can do that. I hope to keep in contact with him and we'll see.

Went shopping today with K. We went out to the mall. She got an MP3 player and i got some new headphones that suck ass but they were only 1o bucks. I also got 2 more t-shirts. Yeah just what i need and i got a Silverstein shirt and a As I Lay Dying shirt and both were only $9.99 each. What the hell right? I got my ATM card and saw how much money i had in my account. Then we went to Olive Garden which was super good

How do you find a positive with so many negatives

Why do i fell better when i feel dark

How come i feel so bitter and angry

You just lose yourself in your head

I know I'm not alone outside but inside i am

Stuck in this room with a bed

Looking for that 1 light

I'm silently screaming for something

Looking for that positive day

Your breaking point is that calmness

It feels like nothing but world is off your back

Life is a puzzle and sometimes you need help

Even when you think you got it

You do really need it

The pain will always be here

but in the end it's something that makes you stronger

Hope is a string and don't let go

Sometimes it's hard to hold onto it

It can become very small but hold it

Tuesday Journal

Tuesday:

Right now i feel this calm

It's something that i have never felt before

Putting the plans together

Making sure everything goes perfect

When you fee lost and alone

You feel no hop

What is it that may save you

Do you want to be saved

There are days where you can say "Everything will be OK"

But they don't come very often

I;m tired, I can't feel anything

If i stabbed myself i wonder if i would feel it

I try my best to not draw attention to myself

I like to fly under the radar

People judge when they notice

Do they really want to help or do i really tell them i don't want help. Listening to constant yelling and provoking doesn't help the situation. Can i cat out once just so i can tell them "yes i need some help"

I just want to let go. I don't know what i am holding back but it's something i need to get rid of. I don't care anymore. Just want to sleep forever. Maybe i can just sleep for a better day.

The doctor asks me questions i can't or don't know how to answer. Putting me in strong clothes is not an answer just like a pill either. How much do i want this? How important is life to me? Right now its at the bottom of the list of priorities. My life is like a double edge sword. I want this put you can't do it that way.

Scary night so far, they just gave E some meds that either A. they overdosed him or B. he had a really bad reaction. He was shaking and moaning uncontrollably. He seemed really sick around 4pm and from there it all went downhill. Seeing a man with so much life with so many dreams become a person who you could never imagine being. Him clutching my hand while he was sweating and shaking really really scared me. It makes me not want to take meds because of the trauma i have witnessed. Seeing him communitcating as normal with his mother must have been horrible on her to see and embarrassed for him also. He was wearing a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, and a sweatshirt. I couldn't tell if he tell hot or cold. His shirt was soaked with sweat from all the shaking. I helped him for about 10 minutes. Went to his room and held his hand and told him it was going to be OK and to focus on breathing. We put on his CD player for a distraction also. I couldn't tell if it helped or not. He was a big believer in God so i told him to focus on him. I hope in the end this event won't affect him for the rest of his life. I know it would for me. I don't trust the medical industry as it is and i wouldn't blame him for the mistrust either.

Journal: Monday

Monday:

Waking up in throughout the night thinking that i was at my house.

But that was not the case.

I am here in this hospital.

This is the place that's supposed to help me.

But i feel at this moment it is hurting me.

The meds make me angry and harsh at the world.

Not that i didn't feel like that anyways.

This is a new anger and a new rage.

Code green could come down at any second.

Feeling restless and anxious.

You would feel this way too if you were caged in.

I'm not sure if this place is helping me or hurting me.

The meds make me angry and hard at world

No that i didn't feel like that anyways.

This is a new anger, a new rage.

The blood in me is boiling with my hands shaking.

I could lost myself at anytime.

Where is that breaking point? I think i need it soon.

I'm starting to see ways to hurt myself here.

Never thought it could be possible

I'm so angry now that i could cry.

Confusion on why i am feeling this way is setting in.

At the same time all though thoughts are still here.

They think if i take meds everything will be better.

But they thought sill continue to be there.

I need to resolve all internal issues.

Death of my best friend and lover is only a piece of the puzzle.

Will the doctors see that?

I'm not very hopeful at this point.

So what is the point of being here?

6:41 pm 10/23/07:

5 code greens in a span of 3 hours.

2 code greens with 1 person.

2 people on 4 points

Campus police called in 3 out of the 5 times.

they give you the pills to take away the pain but does the pain every really go away?

I scream out loud with my actions.

As I'm here in my room, I can't stop thinking.

Thinking of those thoughts that bring me down.

It's hard for e to express what I'm feeling.

It's hard for me to talk about myself.

I will never wear my heart on my sleeve.

She is the girls who is content watching and hiding.

The hood is always up never exposing her sad face and her emotions.

She pugs her emotions on the back burner.

Now she's faced with a choice.

They give you pills to take away the pain.

But does the pain ever really go away.

Chemical, chemical is the answer.

They never see the pain she goes through everyday.

they never saw it coming.

they never expected it.

I live in my head.

Will i love to tell what's in my head?

I think this is my fault.

Do i really want to be happy?

Why should i try when no one else cares?

I don't know how to feel

i will be forgotten

I hope for someone to take me away

Am i really this fucked up?

Did he do this for revenge?

He haunts me

When i go to sleep i always hope i don't wake up.

I wish i wasn't so truthful

Trust no one, they just end up hurting you one way or another in the end

Anger is a gift

When will i break in here

I'm tired of fighting for me

I need to be free of myself

Sleep while you can

I'll sleep when i;m dead

Why can't i find a quiet place

I don't what to face the truth

I don't want to feel this way

Paranoid

I never saw a future

There's no going back

Suicide should be a choice

I am the enemy

This was never my idea

Life is too loud for me

Why do i feel so average

What did i do to become this way?

The world shows no promise

I like the dark

Why I don't feel guilty for hurting others

Questions everything

The room is full but why do i feel so empty?

No one was there for me

Do i want to be happy?

Thoughts race

Do i really want help?

Why can't i left myself cry

I have no heart

In the end we are all just an after thought

I wish i was half as strong and you think i am

Love is life, Isolation is fear

Somebody get me out of my head

I am falling apart

Does anyone really care.

Journal "Remeron"

Remeron:

Side effects i have had:

Cold symptoms, nausea, increase in weight, dizziness, panic attacks, irritability, impulsivity, restlessness, feel like i want to black out, anxiety.

I want to go on another anti-depressant. I have had many of the symptoms that are listed and i still feel many of the symptoms that are listed are still with me. Even with the Klonipin i still feel every anxious and panicky. I still feel a great deal of anger in me which i feel will cause me to act out on my or anyone else here. I spent over 3+ hours Saturday night waling the halls to try to ease my anxiety but it never helped. I don't want to find myself at a level 2 or greater for a medication i feel is causing this.

"We won't stop until the drugs has given it all to you"

Sunday Journal

**OK I'm bored so i will most likely post more here why i have the motivation.**

Sunday

With 1 phone call everything has changed. A person who was such a fixture in my life losing him twice has proved to be such a huge struggle.

More than i have would have ever thought. Trying to think positive thoughts of these situation has proved impossible as of now.

Ignoring his admission and his faults have now made me angry and selfish for not doing more. The only thing i can do is blame myself for ignoring his pain and what is ever harder to think about now that it made me "happy" to know he was in a dark hole. Maybe he knew that i was glad about his pain and that drove him over the edge. Maybe it was his revenge to end himself. That is the conclusion i am coming to. I knew i was the only one that could help him and i made a choice to no help him again for what he did to me. Was it his choice to break up with me? Most likely not but it still killed me that day and was pretty much the death of both of us.

Now that i am in this hospital with a lot to think about. I have been thinking more and better reason to go up and haunt him. I to find him and tell him how much he has fucked me over. I have completely lost myself and isolated myself so much that i can not connect with anyone.

I just want to go back to those days where you would hold me so i could say warm and fall asleep. I want to be at that place where we would just drive and talk about anything, everything. Why can't we be out of the ball field walking the pugs or taking them to the beach and watch them play together.

You were my best friend in the whole world and i know you have said the same thing too. We were so opposite in so many ways but we just had that connection from day one. i never had to think of the future because i thought we would be there together. I'm sure you could have picked almost any girl out there but you picked me. I doubt i will ever find anyone who could deal with my ups and downs and just see me as me.

I put so much time and put away so much pain on the back burner for you when you became so depressed. I had to do what i could and i would do anything for you to help you get out of your pain. I hope now that you are gone and hopefully watching that you really see what i did to help you.

The questions to ask you that i will never know but if i do leave and i find you that you can tell me why. At the same time right at this moment i do know how you feel. Maybe you did this to show me what it was really like to be in your shoes.

If i was given the chance to be with you again before the suicide could i have stopped you? Or just i just delay the path again. That is a question that i have a hard time dealing with. Did i just waste my time helping you in 2001? Yeah i think it wasn't worth it at all. I almost wish you should have done it then. I think i would have taken it better since i knew what was going on and that i knew you wanted to leave this world.

You still hold me. I feel like i am in a crystal ball with the snow flakes in it. You make me questions myself even more everyday. You make me feel like going to find you and think that is going to because i can't stop thinking about you. Every thought is you and why you are not here. Why did you leave me here to defend myself and this world alone while i had helped you fight the world and yourself once before.

Satuday Journal

*I thought i would post 2 today. I will mostly just post 1 a day but i may not be around tomorrow.* 

Sat:

I have the feeling of being like a ghost. Just floating around in a slow state of mind but yet feeling just as angry as i was on Thursday. The klonopin in the morning makes me flee like i can barely function and carrying on doing daily things. Thoughts still racing but just going in and out so i forget. Trying to read a book is a takes and a half. Reading 2 chapters on Isolation, Denial and Anger. Understanding it feels impossible. Or that i just can't get the point because of my meds.

I just want to feel "normal" again. I rather be in a stage of anger than feeling nothing. The chances of me no matter how angry i am to actually hurt someone are pretty slim since i have never physically hurt someone intentionally with the exception of playing hockey. Then meds make me feel angry. I really don't think it's the issues that i am dealing with right now.

I feel like the meds are making me break my will. There isn't much will but there is some left and i think i will be just dependant on these for the rest of my life. Breaking what i have left of me. Thinking this way makes me even more thoughtful about hurting myself again. I almost feel out of control of what i can do to try to help me and now i feel like i would have to be dependant on something for the rest of my life. Then independence that i have had my whole life is quickly slipping out of my hands.

I still feel like if i really say what i feel i will be punished for it. Expressing my anger and put on a level 2 really put me in reality check to see if i really want to be truthful. I know i want to help but at the same time if i am having a hard time with my emotions that i will be punished by either being more medicated or put on a level 2 and my privs taken away.

As it is the hardest time being here. Constantly being watched and being extremely limited to certain areas is hard to fathom. Since i can remember i have control of every part of me and what i do.

Knowing that i maybe here for another 6 months has put a great stress on myself. Just how much of a hold i have really dug? Is the dealing with the death of Jeremy just a piece of the puzzle? Most likely is the case. For as long as i can remember i have never really felt "happy". Maybe it's because no one was really there i had to do stuff on my own that i have become unhappy.

Is all this really worth it? Will i really get past my suicidal thoughts. How long have they been really there. Maybe it took some reality to realise that i have never been happy and  I've wanted to commit suicide all along.

The coolest guy and the most unlikeliest guy in the world can do it with a gun. Why can't i? the person i feel that i really am is the one that deserves to die, not this guy. What has taken me so long to think about suicide. What is it going to take for me to say that it is wrong to think that it is wrong to take your own life. How am i going to finish myself off? 

It's options are unlimited if you can pull it off correctly. I'm not sure what would the perfect thing would be but some idea's are better than other idea's. the one I'm thinking will most likely do the trick. It will be quick, violent but painless. Then way i think everyone should die quick and painless.

I've been living in my head for so long i don't know how long it will take me to get out of it. I'm not afraid to dies at all now. I was a bit before Jeremy died. Now i just hope that someone would take my life instead of me doing it. At least it would be easier for my friends and family to deal with. I know how hard it is (was) to deal with Jeremy.

I just can't feel guilty for killing myself. I can't get in my head that i am hurting other people so much. I have myself for it too. It's such a selfish thing to do. It should be a choice also. You don't choose to be murdered by someone, you don't choose to get killed in a car crash either.

So why exactly am i still here? Why am i at a mental hospital when i feel like there isn't anything left for me. When i know that i have a plan when i get out too. What is making me stay here? As it is i get really for the most part trust anyone (as in the staff). I never have really trusted anyone in the first place. I am very unsure of the patients here also. There is no one here who is like me that i know of. So there goes that vicious cycle of being independent but also being isolated which puts me in my black hole which i have been in for so many years. Is there going to be a sunny day in my life? When do i know that i can go out there and wear my heart on my sleeve? When can i freely cry and say "hey it's OK, you won't be judged by that"?

I am faced with so many questions i feel overwhelmed with i am going to work through. Is taking a pill and feel numb really the answer. I feel so far way from myself

Journal Day 1

***Some i have exact dates but in a lot i do not. The names i put in here will only be thier 1st initial since i think they could potentally be reading this also. Some of this my not make sense either but i'm not going to change it***

Desperate, Medicaided and out of control.

What do you do in this situation?

Feeling so tired that you can't think straight.

Lost and lonely. Me, myself and I are the only thinkgs i have left.

I choose my own destiny.

Will this stay be worth it? Or is it really too late and in the end i have made up my mind.

Fear and paranoia equals hate and anger.

What have i been angry at my whole life?

Why did (do) live in frea of peiople finding that i ham vunerable.

I feel no guilt that i am hurting others in the end.

Wondering when i will get past that or to have someone ask why do you feel that way and that it's wrong.

Symptoms:

Dizziness, tired, lonely, medicated, headache, fear, wishy washy, no concentration, antisocial, sore, hot, cold, misunderstood, labeled, in the dark, shaky, impulsive, lack of trust, empty, nothing.

I just want to write but i can't think. Feeling like all is lost, maybe i am just lost.

Empty and desperate to find whatever it is.

I need to make myself normal again.

Do you hear these world that i am saing or do you just play them off as some sort of attention seeker.

Under the radar is my game. Felling content in the life that i have lived.

After all is said and done will i regret the choice that i have made.?

I feel lonely and lost as it is. It's almost a way of life.

Nothing is wrong but everything that i think is wrong.

I know that i will be hurting all the people that love me.

There is no guilt in this wya of thinking. No matter how close i am to you.

Journal Update

Hey so i got everyones opinion on the journal thing and i think i will put them up. I will try to do them a page a day if i can. 

My Old Journals Opinions

So i need everyone that reads this opinions on this. I was thinking of putting up all my journals from when i was in the hospital. I figured there are so many people that read this they maybe able to benefit from it. Think i should do it? Please let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Heather

Did you ever notice...

when it snows it the dark all seems to be a bit lighter? It doesn't seem as dark and it almost seems more comforting too. Maybe it's just me but that's what i think.

Control

So i just finished watching this movie and i was pretty blown away by it. 

www.controlthemovie.com

That's the link for the movie. Right now it is only out in the UK but it is out there in the torrents.

It is about Ian Curtis who was the singer of Joy Division. Ian had hanged himself the day he was to leave to tour the US. He was a pretty conflicted guy that had a wife and child but also had a girlfriend on the side. Typical rockstar guy right? He also had epilepsy which really caused a lot of trouble in his life because he would have seisures during shows sometimes.

Anyways it was tough to watch at the same time because of all the situations i have been in. I really recommend seeing this movie.

The Hospital

Right around this time last year i was just getting out of the hospital. A year can really fly by. I don't miss that place one bit. Just imagine living in your house with 1 floor and you can't get out. Having a different "roommate" almost every week. 3 months of that and i never knew when i was gonna get out. I thought maybe i would be there like a week or 2 but that was not the case.  I saw some crazy stuff there too. There a lot of sick people out there and they can't help what happens to them. Did i learn from it? Yes and no. Yes i learned that i was really sick and i needed to be in there but i don't think i "learned" anything there. 

Positive Tensions

Despite me being so depressed to go an email from a friend and they made me relize that i have to get through this one my own. I have to think positive i can't let my depression get the best of me. I've been around for 30 years and why not stay another 30 right? So we'll see in the days coming what will happen.

The WTF Post

Want to know what is going on in my head? Well here it is. I go Xmas shopping and dreading every second trying to think of something good to buy for that small amount of people i actually buy presents for. 

Go meet my case worker and act like a total asshole to her because i don't know what the fuck i want. I think i waste her time every week i see her. She could be doing something else and there are probably people a lot worse off in different ways than i am.

I don't talk to anyone for a couple of days and people get all freaked out because of it.  I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE! I'm sure everyone got the clue but now since what has happened in the past year i have people all over me wondering what the hell is going on with me. 

If i am going to hurt myself no one will be able to help me. We should have all learned that from Jeremy.

I got through life not giving a fuck about anyone. I always think negative and i allways manage to hurt everyone i know in some way in the end. I want to be a good person but i don't think i have it in me. 

With Jeremy i loved him but i wasn't the best person to him all the time and i think i was the one that drove him away not his depression.  Maybe is some way i did drive him to kill himself and if it's true then what kind of person am i? 

I think that because i never let anyone in then i will never help myself get over the things that have become in my life. The one time i do let someone in they kill themselves and for that how do i just let go of the things in the past.

Fuck i don't even let myself cry and i don't even know why. I won't let myself do it.  This past week and i can't look at anything positive and it's not fair for other people around me to get that backlash. It's not fair for someone to take my ups and downs. I always think one day i will figure it out but it's been 31 years and i'm still trying to figure it out.

Normalcy

I know i spelled that wrong but i don't really give a fuck.

Now i'm thinking on why i hate everything about my life....past, present and future. I think i always wanted some sort of normalcy and i never had it. Single mom who is an alcoholic and still is to this day. No real structure in my life ever. I could do what i wanted and i never did anything bad really. All i wanted in school was to fit in some what. I never did and i played sports and i was pretty good at them also. I never did that well in school because all i wanted to do was play sports but i got by with help from the teachers. I couldn't wait to get out of high school and it was a misrable exprierence. I can't spell very well because i'm a bit fucked up from some pills i took and for all i know none of this will make any sense the next time i actually read this.

Maybe for all i know all i really want is to be good at something that will make me happy. I doubt i will ever find anything like that because i am just that maybe just normal in a fucked up way. I went through life as a kid raising myself for the most part so now when i am around friends with kids and they have some sort of issue i just see it as kind like toughen up type of thing. 

I hate what i have become and i have no idea when i will become something. I don't want to be a part of something i just want to be something on my own. All my life i have been alone essentially and this is all i may ever know.

I can't even imagine being in another relationship because the last one i was in was the one.

Things lately have been ok until last night and all hell is breaking loose within me. I had my 2nd ever panic attack and the 1st one was because of a medication i was on that just really fucked me up and now this. So since last night i have just been taking pills that don't make me feel a thing, i feel like a ghost right now and i am content with that. I don't care what people may think of that but i guess its my comfort zone of dealing with situations beyond my control.

I've locked myself in my house and i will go out when i'm ready again. I talk to people today trying to sound normal and i think i pulled it off. I put my phone on mute so no one can contact me that way. It's all or nothing with me. Would people really miss me anyways? Seriously. It will hurt for a bit but it all goes away in the end. Hey we're all gonna die sometime right?