Fuck It Moments

Lately I'm realizing how detached from life i really am. I feel like i am in a cloud all the time and that everything that is going on around me almost doesn't seem real. It seems like now that i have actually realized that i have in other words "checked out" in life that it's just another reason why i i shouldn't be around anymore. I feel like i have no emotional attachment to anything anymore and nothing really is appreciated by me. I see now that other people see that in me. They see that i am here but not really here. I do things like constantly play with my iPhone or go online just to avoid whatever is going on in that moment. I use whatever it maybe for a distraction for other people so no one notices what is really going on.

This weekend was a huge wake up call on really seeing what is going on with me. Also looking back a bit too and i can see it has affected me not only in a social aspect and a physical aspect but there is also a huge downfall on a emotional aspect. I see in myself doing things that are either by what other people feel is either anti social or just plain narcissism. When in reality i just think that this is what "normal" people do but in the back of my head i know it's not what they do. Is this all really a dream though? Have i been living my life for the past 2+ years thinking that it is all one big dream?

All i want to do is sleep and pass the time away so i don't have to think about what I'm always thinking. I just don't want to get caught up in a confused moment and say fuck it but on the other hand i just want the courage to really just say fuck it. We all know it just takes one moment for everything to just go away. The fuck it moment to just say yeah fuck it all. Not care about anything but what you are going through and forget everything that it may cost you in the end. Forget about anyone you may hurt in the end. Forget EVERYTHING in that moment. It only takes one. So when will it be? Maybe if i don't think about it too much it will come quicker. Maybe if i had some help with some drugs or alcohol maybe that will make my moment come quicker.

Let's face it, I Heather will never ever be the same person i was a few years ago. I didn't mind being that person but i know there are things that i could change if i was back there. It seems that no amount of drugs will ever bring me back to that time. There's no amount of therapy that will bring me back there. The only thing therapy does its make you think of the bad things that happen to you when you didn't really know that was what was really going on. So when you try to be that person you were you have those other things on your mind and there is no way you can get back to that place. I can't say it enough but even when you are gone time and the world does not stop for anything or anyone.

It's Windy!

So i'm here trying to get to sleep and outside it is so windy. It's a strange but comforting sound almost. Like it's trying to say something to you but doesn't know how to exactly say it. I almost like the sound of wind better than the rain. Tonight it goes on and off so quickly and it's never consistant.

I know it's a fucking worthless post but it's better than reading me bitch about how much i hate myself. It's a change for once.

No Name

I have everything but it's still not good enough...

Prozac Nation

So I'm reading the book now but i just watched the movie. I wanted to finish the book but the person inside me wanted to watch the movie now so i did. I am wondering how much different it is from the book though and i know in the beginning is skipped around, the movie that is from what i read so we'll see if it compares to the book. Usually the book prevails and movies are really never better than the book. Such as life right?

I go to the Dr. tomorrow for a possible medication change. Lots of shit going on in my head and i'm not sure why but i think i may have a hint of why it maybe happening so hopefully we can change it up a bit. Maybe cross off another drug off my list. It's kinda sad of all the stuff i have taken in the past year and half and it's endless too. I mean how many different anti-depressents does one need in the market? It's a bit out of control i think and for the people who have to pay for it out of pocket? If i had to do that i wouldn't be able to pay for it and then where would be? It's just crazy and out of control these drug companies. Enough of that though.

The little things that give you away

It's amazing to really see myself go up and down like it do. It is as always i can tell as soon as i get up i know how i am going to feel for the rest of the day. Like in my dreams at night determines how i will feel the next day. I wish i could find a way to control it and i try during the day to think positive or to try to get out. Lately though I'm lucky if i can get out of bed some days. When i do actually get out of bed i have been up for a while.

So since my depression has been so severe lately i will yet again go to the doctor and get more drug essentially. It's not something i want to do because i am straight edge after all but there is a glimmer of hope that maybe this time this drug may work. But i have been thinking that for a year and half now. So that brings me to another couple of questions. When should i just say "yeah well the drugs are not working so should i even bother with them?" Or here's the other that has been in my brain for a while now: "Is it all just worth it? Is my life that important that i have to suffer everyday just to go on and do whatever i am doing at the time?" 

 

Now that i am having a somewhat good day i am blogging. Trying to make a positive blog for once. I wish i could write everyday on here but most of the time i just have nothing to say. I have always been like that though. I rather have someone speak to me than to them. Not sure where i got that from but it's something i should try to improve. 

I should appreciate what i have here since so many others do not have what i have. I'm not saying that i have the world by the balls but i do have to say i have it pretty good. But i also think what is it all for though? In the end what did i really just accomplish? Who's life did i really effect positively or negatively.  

Sometimes well this week especially i really think that i am dooming myself. Some how i like to set myself up to become something i do not want. I think i make myself miserable so i have something to die for. Thinking that i would like to be with Jeremy more than the rest of the world. Who wouldn't want that. You spend so much time with someone you love with all your heart. Someone you actually trusted just to have your heart shattered into a million pieces because of what he did to himself. I like to think that i would like to kill myself just to ask those questions why. I want to know what the fuck he's doing now that so important that he couldn't do down here.

Anyways life moves on with or without me. I will always have that quote with me. I can use it as a positive or a negative.