Long time no see

So it's been a bit since i have last wrote on here. Not much going on which i think can be a good thing. I saw a medium on Tuesday and it was different. I have always been skeptical but this guy John Holland is right on. He has been known for being a really good medium and he proved on Tuesday to be very good. Pretty much the only person that came through was my grandfather. He died when i was a sophomore in high school. He died of cancer. So it was good to hear from him and i remember being very close to him when i was a kid. Holland knew the date that he died and some other stuff so i know he wasn't fucking around. It was hard to hear some of  the things he was saying but i think in the end it was for the best since its been a long time since he died. I was really hoping Jeremy would come through but he didn't and i couldn't be mad at that since he came through when a friend of mine saw Holland last year.

It's been pretty boring my way as you can see and im not even sure why im writing when i have nothing to say. Since i won't be working as much as i want to i will be curious to see how i will react because when i am not working i just tend to sleep and mope around. 

I will be house/pug sitting for the next 2 weeks starting on Saturday. I will be at my mom's hanging out with 3 pugs. Sounds pretty exciting huh? 

Thanksgiving?

Yeah right! No one really gives a fuck these days about Thanksgiving. All people care about is eating until they are ready to puke, getting hammered and watching football. Not that that's a bad thing.

I spent my day just being me at my mom's house killing time until it was time to go. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good. Maybe i am just always in one mode. "Expecting the worst but hoping for the best" mode. I am not really one of those celebrate the holiday's person and i could really care less about any holiday. Does that make me a bad person though? I guess i am the only one to admit it right now.

Black friday, yeah you are nuts to get up at 2am to wait in line to save 25 bucks. I've done it a couple of times (getting up at 7). With Jeremy we used to do it just because we wanted to see the people freaking out about stuff. It's good times to watch people freak out like that. 

Wow i sound like a total asshole tonight don't i?  Honesty does suck sometimes but i am not one to lie and i am a very bad liar.

This is all i have to say

I love this song so much lately. It's pretty much my life in the past two years in a nut shell.

"Funnyman"
KT Tunstall
Locked inside your head
Do you realize the things you said
Never made sense?

We can sit here and laugh
But we don't know the half of it,
In your defense

We've been talking a while
And it seems to me each time you smile
Lights are coming on
But they don't burn too strong
And they won't stay for long
And then they're gone again

Funnyman, gotta try to be something wonderful
Funnyman, listening to the world turning on its sail
Turn it into a brand new universe
Funnyman could never be anything else.

Do you remember that night
When I had to play your angel
Saving your soul?
Even though you were holding on tight
A part of you was taken by the demons below

When no one to lose
Said you feel like a bruise
On a beautiful body.
And all the damage you do
Is so honest and true
I don't want to feel sorry for you

Funnyman, gotta try to be something wonderful
Funnyman, listening to the world turning on its sail
Turn it into a brand new universe
Funnyman could never be anything else

Sleeping

I can't tell you how much i love to sleep now. Since about 2000 i have had insomnia and in the past year or so i have been taking some sort of sleeping pill. Now that i am taking Seroquel it makes me sleepy all the time. It's a blessing and a curse. If i sleep too much i get into a mood. If i sleep to little then i tend to be a bit manic.

I just love my blankets and how they keep me warm all the time. Then my pugs want to come under the covers and it gets even warmer. It's great and i love it. I sucks because the longer i stay in bed the harder it gets to get motivated. Look its 1:30 now and i have yet to get out of bed. I'm getting sleepy again too so i may try to take another nap.

Chronicles

I think i spelled that right. So i just watched a really good movie tonight and it has inspired me an idea. I want to make a documentary of my life from the past 2 years. I know the past is in the past but i can go back and look at my journals and recall everything that has gone on. I think it would be good for me.  It's a reflection piece. I almost just want to go back as far as i can remember and just see how good or how bad my life really is or was. 

I think about my life and i really can't think of anything. But when i do think of my life i think of it as such a negative. Maybe it will help me understand the way i am. Maybe it will help other people understand the way i am. Maybe i will actually feel some purpose in my life for once.

I feel in my life that everything i enter turns into a distaster. I just think that everything i come into i just ruin one way or another. I hurt a lot of people without knowing it until it's too late. Everything in my life i feel is never good enough. I feel that i will always be alone because i never let anyone in. I always feel alone. My life is miserable and i wonder if i just feel like it's ok to be that way because i have always felt that way.

So anyways back on topic. 1st off i need a video camera so i guess i will have to send some emails out and see if anyone will let me borrow it. I think i can use my iLife to edit it. 

We'll see what happens......

Today

So i finally got to sleep around 3ish i think and woke up around 12:30ish.  I had to meet up with my caseworker today. She's been on vacation for 2 weeks and when the last time we met i was a pretty bad time. Just lost and hopeless and numb. Not a great feeling at all. I was really debating what i really wanted. Life or Death. I'm still here so it looks like i picked the right one. Anyways so we just caught up on what was going on in the past couple of weeks.

Since i will not be working that much i have to try to keep busy or i will put myself back in a hole. I attempted to clean and organize my room tonight and that when really wrong. I went from cleaning and organizing to looking for my passport and really fucking up my room. So it now looks like a bomb went off in my room. It's hard to keep focus lately and it sucks. I just hope my new medication really help me. Only time will tell though.......

Day 1

So i thought i would start a blog here. Pretty much i will try to blog everyday. This is what i deal with everyday. I deal with my head. I live in my head and it's not a good thing at all. So i hope at least 1 person reading this can relate and maybe help them.