Saturday's Journal

Saturday:

Work up around 8ish but didn't get up officially until R checked in which was round 10 or so. I chilled out there for a while and then headed over to my mom's so i could see my boys. I got ahold of D to see if he could drop me off at the hospital so i could stay at the house for a bit longer since my mom didn't want to drive at night. 

The boys were freaking out when i came in and it was really good to see them too. We spent a lot of time playing and hanging out. Then D came and picked me up around 4:45 and we stopped to get something to eat before i had to be back at the hospital. I got to the hospital around 7:15ish or so.

Friday Journal

Friday:

The family meeting went well i thought. We were all prepared as we could be at this point. Dr. C had me cornered at bit but i think i got through it the best i could. Dr. D seemed to be on my side which i thought was weird. The Rev Dr. seemed a bit on the negative side and that was also weird to see. R and the family had their questions and they were all really good questions and it seems like they were hesitant to answer because Dr. C thinks i have to do all this work alone. I think that is just a bit absurd to say the least. I somewhat know what i need to still work on but that's just the way it is and Rome wasn't built in a day.

I went home with R after the meeting. We stopped off at the mall and got a slice of pizza there and went into a few places. I ended up getting 2 more t-shirts and hoodie. R was kind enough to buy them for me. Then we headed over to pick of the boys from school. The weather was rainy today and a lot of downpours. Last time i checked it was December. When we got to her house we chilled out and chatted while the boys played.

I got word that i could help out with the learn to play hockey at the rink. Before i went to the rink i started feeling very anxcious and i told R what was going on and i was doing the best i could. I thought when i went on the ice things would be better. It did and the kids provided a great distraction for me. After the LTP was over R and i went to the Angels practice. Before we left for the rink we had to stop off at the rink and when we went out it was pouring again but there was thunder and lightning. Once again it's December not July.

We got to the rink and i got to talk to everyone on the team. We had our practice but i didn't last that long. Our first drill was we had to up and down the ice 3x in 1 minutes. Well i did it but after that i wasn't the same. I lasted maybe another 15 minutes and i felt so sick. So we went off the ice and R took me to Friendly's to get something to eat. We thought maybe if i ate then i would feel a bit better. So we headed over to Friendly's and ate. I did feel better after that and we chatted for a while there. Got back to her house and the poker game was still going strong. I finally went to bed around midnight.

Tuesday-Thursday

Tuesday through Thursday:

The rest of the week has been very stressful for me. I spent the week pleading my case to Dr. C but i wasn't looking good for me. I felt like it was just like beating a dead horse. I felt like he wasn't taking me seriously anymore.

As for my behaviour i just made sure to go to all of my groups so they could see i wanted to be here and get help. Moved in with F and it's been a nightmare. I moved in on Tuesday and i have been sleeping on the couch in the Annex since then. She leaves the lights on and she has her radio on blasting at all hours of the day and night. When she sleeps she snores so loud also. Dr. C put me back on Ambien and i maybe slept 4 hours.

I've spent the whole week thinking the worst about this family meeting. Look what happened at the last meeting. Total and udder disaster you know? Dr. C and I met everyday this week and some days were better than others. We just clashed and battled most of the week.

Then today we finally had a productive meeting. I think one of the best ones we've had yet. It started out with him asking what i wanted to talk about in this family meeting. So Wednesday night i wrote down some questions for him to answer and we just discussed all the stuff i needed answered without really having to ask him directly. I did ask 2 questions and he did answer them for me. Relief has finally come and we discussed the topics for tomorrows meeting. Dr. C wants me to go on pass tomorrow to do an overnight at R's so i will be doing that. I may do up to 3 overnight passes but most likely only 2. Then after that i will be release and i will still be under the rules of the hospital but i will be on visit until i feel it's ok for me to be discharged. They will provide me with all my meds and i need to come back or if i have any questions or problems i can all the nurses station anytime while i am on visit. I can come back if i am not feeling well or if i am really suicidal. This is a great plan and i think it suits me best. I know there are things i need to work on and i think i can work on them when i am out of the hospital. Right now i will make the best of it here and try to learn as much as i can before i go out.

When i am out on "visit" i will hopefully apply my coping skills when i am feeling low. I called my mom and R and they are cool with the plan and the family meeting dialog also.

Last night i requested to look at my chart to see what they have been writing since i have been here. I wanted to see their prospective on what has been going on with me. I got to see  a little bit and pretty much everyday they wrote down that i was guarded and isolated. I did expect that because that's just the way i am. I would like to take the isolation part away from my life but it's not something you just let go and in a day it's gone. I'm sure there will be things i disagree with and something i don't even remember on there. I hope to look at it again and I'm gonna take my mac and make notes on my behavior. Maybe what i see there will fill me in on what i am really like. It looks like i am an asshole a lot. Or almost snobby at times. I have no idea if am like this on the outside. G just told me we will do it in a little while. I'm going to focus on the dates and what was said by who.

Tuesday they took me off a Level 1 completely. P and i were still battling and she new it was a power struggle overall. I got some of my privs back yesterday also. I am hoping to get to the library in the morning to check my email really quick even though i will be checking it later in the day, I can just delete the junk so it's less that i have to go through.

Monday Journal

Monday:

Monday is here and right now this Monday maybe my worst one yet. I went to bed a little after 3 this morning. Yeah my Trazadone is doing a good job for me. I'm pissed today and it didn't help that i hardly slept at all. I just feel like shit today. I don't feel any motivation at all to do anything today.

I ended up going to Empowerment which once again sucked. I don't even know why i mention it on here still. Nothing is going to change with that stupid group. I got a request from the team asking me to "Please report to all on-unit groups while you are here." How long have i been here? Do you really think things are going to change and i am all of a sudden going to go to all the groups? Let's just say no.

So here's the most exciting part of the day for me. So i am on a Level 2 and they have a camera in my room. I put my pillow down by the heater so i could write. I knew that i was not in the view of the camera. So about 20 seconds later A comes in and asked me to move over. Since my day is shitty i am going to make someone elses shitty like mine and i said i'm not moving. I said i wasn't moving and he lefts. So P comes in on her high horse asking what was going on and to tell me to move so they could see me. I said "no" and she proceeds to threaten me with timeout and or a Level 1. So in the end she put me on a Level 1 and i could care less pretty much.

So now that i'm on a Level 1 and someone with me all the time i still went to my groups. The Rev Dr. wanted to talk after HHH but another Px wanted to talk to her and i just went off and did other things. Later i ended up talking with her and it was a ok talk. When i was talking with her i saw P looking in a couple of times and i thought she was going to come in also and talk but she didn't end up doing that. Now i am waiting for Dr. C to call and talk with me.

Well I talked to Dr. C. He called me around 4:30 and we only talked for 45 minutes. I wish it went on longer but he had to go home. He said he will let me know when i will be discharged tomorrow. Also he said that he thinks i'm "scared to death to leave the hospital" and the reason that i "acted" out was to stay longer here. I think he is partially correct i really don't think i am stable enough to leave the hospital but i am not scared to leave this place. I want to move on but am i ready to move on from this hospital?  He also said i am pretty dependant on people and that i look for people to ask me what is wrong. He says i need to take responsibility for y action. Yes i know that but i am not quiet ready to take that responsibility because of what i am feeling.  My coping skills are still next to nothing right now. I have no idea what i should be doing. The issues in trusting people are still nonexistent also. I'm still no comfortable in just telling people my problems and i still feel like i am a burden to people. It's not very fun when i am told i have 12 days to get everything together and settled on the outside.

I just want it to be like it was before Jeremy died. Something in me just went off when i found out he killed himself. It's not something you just get over in a couple of days. Life is complicated when someone you know very close commits suicide. It's not an easy to get over in a short amount of time. It's something that will linger with you for a long time.

Dr. C asked why i was a Level 1 and i told him i was angry today and i just wanted to be an asshole period. I didn't really give a fuck about what they would do to me. I still feel that way this very second. He didn't really say anything after that.

My roommate has been having a meltdown today so i think there could be 2 Level 1's in the same room. Not that i'm proud to be a Level 1 as it is but it's just a strange thing to happen. I'm pretty sure she will be at least a Level 2 because they brought her to timeout a little while ago.

Oh also on a side note Dr. C still wants to have a family meeting just to "Update" them on what is going on here. So i told him they already know what's up so what is the point? I know he's going to release me on the 4th any which way. I know that if he plans to discharge me on the 4th that i would appeal it but i didn't tell him that. He wants me to make a safety plan when i am out. How can i make a safety plan when i don't even feel safe right now?

So today i will write down some questions for Dr. C and to make some points on why i should stay here for just a little longer. I had some great ideas this morning but then i forgot to write them down.

Continue...

I'm am continuing from the last blog i wrote. This is the same day....

So in the end i tried to kill myself but it didn't work. So i told one of the mental health workers about how bad i was feeling. They took a lot of my stuff away and i took my meds at 9:30 but it isn't helping at all right now. I feel so horrible right now that i very doubt that i will be able to sleep at all tonight. Now i think i won't be able to go to groups for the rest of the week so i will most likely going to be hanging out in my room.

I am wondering what Dr. C will day to me tomorrow and i am cruious when he will be talking with me. I may just take the day off from him tomorrow to really figure out what i am going to say to him. It doesn't really matter anyways because i haven't talked to him in a week. 

Fuck i just want to sleep but i can't and my mind is just going nuts with constant thoughts. It won't stop. I think if they didn't fucking with my meds i wouldn't be on a Level 2 right now. In my mind i think that's a big part of why i feel so fucked right now. Yeah let's change my meds almost completely and then ship me off into the real world. I guess i can't expect much from a state hospital any which way.

No calls tonight from anyone and i could have used it. R said she would call but nothing. The nurses are asking what they can do for me but i have no idea. I want to kill myself, want to help me? I just don't know what to ask for. They moved my room to a secure room again. I always get the same room for some reason. My new roomie is a chatter box which sucks but she's a quiet sleeper.

Sunday Journal

Sunday:

My gram and R called last night and we had great conversations. I told them my worries about being discharged on the 4th. they both know that i am not ready to go out there just yet and that i have to take baby steps. I need to get an overnight pass and start from there.

I talked to G last night and i told her i was pretty depressed. I said i haven't eaten in a couple of days because of all the stress. She said i needed to keep my energy levels up and that i need to eat even though i am not hungry. She said she would check in with me again later tonight. Just to make sure everything was ok. I told her i was trying my best to keep it together.

I fell the same today but i was feeling hungry earlier but not anymore. I may go to the Caf later and pick up a snack, maybe my home made shake. I still feel pretty sleepy and out of it so i may just chill out for a while.

Just sitting here alone in this room makes me feel so empty but i have been feeling like this since Monday. The thoughts are racing and consuming me. When J was in the room i did my best to keep it together but when she left i just cried and cried. It's like "what did i do to deserve to be in this place." I don't want to live like this anymore. It's such bullshit and i hate myself for not getting it together and out of this mess. There's 2 options. 1. Just say fuck it all or 2. Just do what you have to do to get better.

I have notes all ready written now i just have to get myself to finish it. I know that i have gone so far to deal with all the issues that i have had throughout my life but i have so much more to deal with at the same time. The meds are really fucking with me. 

To be continued.......

Saturday's Journal

Last night i spent over 4 hours on the mac. I was in Itunes putting in the genre of each band and then was rating all the songs. Talk about being bored huh? I didn't finish rating all of them because i took my meds and man it kicked in fast.

My mom called last night to check in with me. We talked a but about the other night. She said my gram didn't leave until 11pm that night. D also called yesterday to check in. We just had a quick chat because he was at C's game. D also called and was making sure everything was alright with me. We talked for about 30 minutes about various things and i told her to text L to call me sometime. d said she might be able to come up on Dec 9th if i am still here.

As for today i skipped breakfast and lunch so i officially haven't eaten since Thursday. I am not hungry at all. It's the meds and the depression. My headache is finally gone 3 days later. The only time i have gotten out of bed is to take my meds and go potty. I don't feel like doing anything. It sucks and i haven't changed since Thursday also. So i guess I'm gonna go back to bed and i may write again but we'll see.

Friday Journal

I had a good Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, B and gram. I ate a lot and felt sick after but not sick enough to eat a piece of chocolate binge cake. Hung would with the boys and they were happy still that their momma was home with them. All was going well watching the football game and around 6:30 i started to get into a panic with no warning either.

So about an hour later they had to have noticed something was up so i spoke up and said that i was feeling very panicky and i didn't know why. My hands were shaking, I couldn't stop my leggs from moving and my heart was racing. I couldn't concentrate at all.

I'm glad it ended up happening so they could all see what i was going through first hand. They get to see how hard it really is for me and trying to cover something up as major as that all the time. We all had a good hour and a half talk. I told them everything to and i know some of the stuff really was scary for them to hear. I told them how badly my week went this week and the only hope for me to keep myself together was that i really wanted to see my boys. They clearly saw that i may not be ready to leave the hospital. I told them i felt a lot of pressure from Dr. C to get out of there. And i said i didn't want to be rushed either. I told them about the meeting with Dr. C and how he had mentioned that i had 12 days to get everything in order and he wanted to have a family meeting to talk about fears on the outside and to reassure my gram that i would be 'safe' in my grandma's house. At the time i was talking to him i was ok with that but Monday afternoon that things were going downhill quickly and i felt horrible all week. All i did was hide in bed pretty much. So i pretty much had the biggest confession with them that i have ever had. I told them that i need to be a bit more stable before i get out. 

I wanted to see me back in full form.Right now i feel like a silhouette right now. I'm there physically but I'm not really there mentally and my mom and R have both seen that. I wanted to make sure that my meds are working and i think that 9 days that they wont be working the way i want them to be working. The Trazadone i think is not working with me the way it should be. The Effexor i know for sure is not working. I have good days and i have really bad days. The bad day are outweighing the good days. I know that i need to working on my coping skills also. Applying the coping skills are not very good either. The biggest factor of all is that i need to feel guilty about committing suicide. That's something that i has never been covered with Dr. C or anyone in the hospital.

In the end i texted D and he came and picked me up to bring me back to NHH. My mom wasn't happy but i told her i needed to be in a safe place just in case. So i am back and it's about 6am. D brought me back around 10ish last night. I had called the nurses station and tell them know what was going on. I talked to G quickly so she knew what was up.

When i got back to the unit they did their usual search and i finally brought my stuff back to my room and sat down in the day room area and had a quick chat with G. I just told her about the day and what went on. After i put in a request asking to keep me in a bit longer since i was still feeling suicidal and depressed. I think they know what kind of week i was having and it wasn't going to change anytime soon. Told them that i wanted to work on my coping skills a bit more.

Thursday Journal

Thursday:

Feel asleep last night with my headphones on. I still don't feel right and we'll see how the day goes. D and C are willing to take me back to the hospital if needed.

Last night i had some corn and cheesy rice for dinner. Got a bit of distraction from watching the Madonna concert which was awesome. I wish i could have go  to the show this summer. At least i can say i have seen her once. I ended u going to bed after taking my beds and watching a little bit of Dexter. It's an intriguing show.

I just feel like laying in bed all day. My mom and B are watching the stupid parade on TV. Pacey is growling downstairs and i don't know why. The fucking beagle next door is barking also. I still feel like i wan to cry for no reason and i just feel so down. This is how it maybe for the rest of my life and i fear this. I can't get over my pessimism and its just so hard for me to cope with this illness. I think i really need to go back to the hospital. When i want to tell them I'm not sure. Maybe after dinner sometime. I know they wont be able to bring me back so I'm glad D and C are around to help me out.

Wednesday Journal

Wednesday:

Today i get to go home until Friday. I hop the pugs get me out of this depression. They are the only things that maybe able to get me out.

I tried talked to G last night but got interrupted which sucked. I just feel horrible and i want to cry. J came up to me in bed and tried to talk to me but of course i didn't say anything and this means i am def not ready to go. When i get back i will try to force myself to talk to someone if i am still feeling awful.

I don't really care that i am leaving on pass. Staff asked me if i am excited and i just tell them yes. I still have to pack but my bags are in storage.

Skipped Empowerment today if there was one today. Instead i headed to the library. Then J came down and told me i didn't sign out so i had to go back with the rec room people. I checked my sign out sheet and it said i did sign out. 

I maybe at one of my lowest points of my depression right now. Went down and took a shower and i cried for over 10 minutes. Im having such a tough time right now and things i just want to get through are going to be so tough.

Being upstairs is a little bit of a comfort at home right now. I'm watching Red Eye on HBO and im talking to Deb on my phone. Im just trying to calm down and keep myself from freaking out again. I texted D asking him to maybe bring me back to the hospital if i am still feeling this way. I will try my best to get through Thanksgiving.

Tuesday Journal

Tuesday:

Tomorrow i will be going home and i still feel like shit. I'm debating whether i should just try to deal with it or say something. But if i say something i risk not being able to go home and my mom and gram will be pretty disapointed. There's also the case if i do try something at home then thye will be also be pretty shocked. I think they would understand more if i stayed here. If G is here tonight then i will talk to her about it and maybe think of options hopefully something we can work out.

Dr C. cut down on the Klonopin by .25mg so i am down to .50mg. I really don't think the Effexor is working since i have been on it for a while and i am feeling suicial now. Just talked to the roomie and i am wondering if she will say something. If someone does come up i may just deny everything or i could say something it may just come down to who it is that says something.

I skipped wellness because i simply didn't want to go and i think the lady was pissed about it. There is no point to the class and if i thought it was helping me i would go but it isn't.

Lunch is debatable today. I am starting to feel hungry but i am munching on my sunflower seeds and that maybe enough for me.

"Just save yourself, it's too late for me"

Unknown Journal

So i think this maybe the note after all of the suicide stuff i put down on the Monday Journal:

Didn't sleep well last night when now i am really angry about not getting sleep here. I was a level 1 until about 11:30am so i won the war this time around. The nurse and I had it out around 8:30 or so. She was asking why i wasn't out of bed yet. So i told her i can't sleep at night hardly at all anymore and maybe she should try it and see why i am like this. We also talked about why i should continue to be here and if i will use the hospital to benefit me. so the whole conversation was like beating a dead horse. P also said i should have a routine while i am in here and that i should be up by 6am. Are you fucking kidding me? 6am keep dreaming lady. So i will try to get up at 8:30am everyday while i am here. I have to go to all of my groups that will benefit me. I talked to the Rev Dr. today and she suggested that and it is a great idea. We had an ok suggestions talk.

I am talking with Dr. C today. Today is the the day i will be asking the questions and he will be answering me. I am really looking forward to it actually and i hope it goes as planned.

The team said i get to go to all of my groups even though at that time i was a level 1. that is a rare thing. So J took me to Wellness which was boring as hell. That started at 9:15 and we were done by 9:45 and it ended at 10. I said i was meeting with the Rev at 10 so we headed back to my room and that's when P came in bitching  to me thinking that i missed the group completely and i saw it ended early so i came back. This place frustrates me to no end. I hope to get my firm answers today with Dr. C and i hope P is there also.

I have gone to all of my groups so far and almost missed one because of a computer error. Luckily J said something to the front desk and that we got to go. I know P and Dr. C would have bitched about that.

Now that i am off my level i got all of my stuff back which means i got my Ipod back. We have missed each other very much. With all this level bullshit really made me stand up for what i thought was right in my eyes.

Monday Journal

Monday:

It's 4am and i got woken up by K yelling that he couldn't get up. That was around 3:15 or so. Once again i'm getting about 4 hours of sleep at night. I feel exhausted from it also. When i went to bed last night i put on the Donnie Darko soundtrack and i fell asleep during Mad World. I may try it again tonight also or make a play list of really quiet, non-emotional songs. Maybe i can get the Norah aka Snorah Jones cd and that will make me fall asleep quick!

I'm starting to feel the dark cloud over me again and i am not sure why its happening. Maybe its because i am back here and i miss home already. Maybe its because i hate my roommate because she is a nut. Ranting and raving and she def needs anger management. I don't think i really need it but whatever i will give it a shot since last week didn't count. As for me feeling like i am getting into that black hole is mostly because its fucking 4am and i can't sleep. It seems like it happens everyday, then during the day all i want to do is sleep and i am not really hungry either. 

I'm not sure if i want to go home for Thanksgiving as much as i had a good time with everyone and the pugs i think that a Wednesday-Friday thing is too long for me. Maybe i just don't want to go home for whatever reason. I've known for a couple of weeks that i didn't really want to go home for Thanksgiving and the holiday isn't really a big deal to me either.

I have to meet with the Rev. Dr. today at 8:45 which sucks because that means i have to be dressed right after breakfast. I'm thinking of skipping breakfast so i can lay around. I don't feel hungry now but maybe by 8 i will be better. 

The meeting with the Rev i am kind of wondering how it will go and i'm talking with Dr C. also today. I wonder if i should tell them about not really wanting to go home for Thanksgiving. Should i also tell them i feel like i'm falling again also. I don't think it was because i went home now that i think of it. There were no bad vibes when i went and stayed. I made an effort to stay downstairs which was a really good thing for me to do. Now it is time to attempt to sleep more. Although i hear F down at the front desk asking if she was going home today. Ahh that's not happening. She's a level 2 right now also. No going home for you!

I finally got to sleep around 7 just to be woken up by the intercom saying it was time for breakfast. I skipped out and tried to sleep more but i did get up quickly just to take my meds so i wouldn't have the nurses bitching and calling me constantly. Went back to bed just to be called on by Dr C. ugg.

So it's about 10am and I'm with Dr. C. We just talked about the weekend and he mentioned a family meeting. He also said something about 12 days. If i am seriously being released in 12 days i'm fucked. 12 days is not enough time to prepare me for discharge. We also talked about the different Conditional Discharges again.  He said he will talk to the lawyer about my situation and see about designing a CD for me. He also mentioned he could just do an Absolute Discharge too which means i don't have to follow any one's rules.

Went back to bed and was woken up for lunch and i ate but it sucked. I only had a slice of bread with a small portion of "Cherry Delight" oh and a milk. Then went back to bed.

Woke up for HHH and did not want to go. The group was super boring today and it was a shitty session. Gym is later but i will be skipping that per usual.

Right now i am feeling so shitty. Thoughts are streaming though my head right now. I don't really care about anything right now. It's just really come on strong in the last couple of hours. I just want to stay in my bed forever or just hang myself. My hands are a bit shaky and my stomach hurts but that maybe because its the crimson wave time of the month. I just feel like i can cry now and i hate that feeling. I'm so sick of feeling this way and it's such a constant battle and i never really know when it's gonna happen either. The thoughts are just really racing and i know what i am going to do if i do just want to kill myself in here. I know what i want to do to kill myself when i am out of the hospital also. That plan is pretty much fool proof. In here it's a 50/50 shot. The roomie could fuck it up if she's in here. If she isn't then i start preparing in between safety checks and when i do it i have 15 minutes to do it. I think 15 minutes can cover it. I find it ironic that R will be going to see John Holland and if i am gone then maybe it's me that will be talking to her. I think that sounds pretty damn cool but sad that i may have to let her down. There's still no guilt in this also. I think i will have to talk to G if she is here tonight but i think she has it off. I'm wondering if i need to write a new note because Jeremy for the most part isn't in the equation now. I just can't cope with these feelings anymore. There were a good 2 weeks and now everything has completely changed with the major pressure of the transition.

I've always been up for a challenge and since the age of 2 i've been hitting the ground running. There was always some confidence in me to do the best i could and pull through almost anything. Now it seems like it's gone, i've lost it for now or forever.

Preparations are made now. I redid all the notes i have to just write out one to the staff letting them now that if i am pronounced dead that i am an organ donor. Actually that's kinda fucked up. At least something good could come out of all of this.

Now i just need to pick a time and place. I have been keeping track of checks to see if there is more time at one particular hour than the next. I think i will be choking myself with a hoodie string. I will do it in bed with the cover over me. No G tonight which is a bummer. No one to talk to but i hope R calls that may help me get over this period.

Sunday Journal

Sunday:

I stopped and that was at 7 and i fell asleep until they announced for breakfast. I didn't go because i was so tired. I fell back asleep until one of the mental health workers came and woke me up to take my meds. I was kinda pissed about that so i got up and took them and went back to bed. 11am comes and R calls me and asked how my overnight was and i told her all about about it. Her trip to Dallas suck she said. Poor lady she hasn't had a good week. R said she would call me back later tonight so i thought that was cool of her.

It's now 1pm and i am now just really getting up. Fucking J through out the morning was being loud that dumb whore. I'm listening to the Tenacious D movie soundtrack and it's not as good as i thought it would be. I guess i have to see the movie to really understand it. So instead i listened to the new Deftones and i am not really feeling it either. The new Senses Fail is really good though. I downloaded their cd because i was curious about them.

I missed lunch so i am going to get dressed and get my snack sticks and watch the Pats game. If that's boring then i will get the Mac and watch a movie. I really want my snack sticks thought but i'm not hungry still. Ok time to get dressed i guess.

I never ate today but i wasn't hungry either. I am a little hungry and i can get my lunchable if i really get hungry. I'm still pretty tired also. Went and got the mac and watched Donnie Darko. Love that movie so much. I'm in my room now and J is ranting. She doesn't stop.

So anyways R called me twice today. She called me again around 2 asking questions about the Itunes and putting songs on there. I told her about Friday's meeting with Dr. C and she thought it was great. She told me that she got a call on the house phone saying she was up for a group meeting with Medium John Holland. I thought that was amazing but its 200 bucks a person yikes! Her and D are going on Dec 13th. She is kinda hoping maybe Jeremy may pop up in the meeting and to tell her things that may remind her of him. So i told her some of our nicknames we had and to maybe listen for a mention of the pugs. I'm not really counting on anything but you never know right?

I put up some more pics on my wall. I brought my favorite AM promo photo, the IP Orlando photo and some photo's of Jeremy and the pugs.

Can't wait to hit up the library and reply to the emails people sent me. So far i got emails from R, T, and Z.  Oh also I'm hoping A will write back with some since info.

Late Friday-Saturday Journal

Friday-Saturday:

So i had my meeting with Dr. C (Fri) and it was a good meeting. Just as we went in the group room my mom came though. We talked for about 45 minutes and she was fine with it. Dr. C and I talked about how i was feeling during the week and how i feel about going home. I was feeling anxious, nervous about  it but i was excited also. We talked about my conditional discharge and the pros and cons of it all. I didn't really find any pros it was more cons. He said i have to start seeing the positives of things and try not to focus soully on the negatives like i always do. He said i had a lot of work to do on myself still and i have been making a lot of progress overall. He told me about how he pretty much fucked up about the ambien thing. He said there was no excuse for it. I thought that was cool of him to admit. He wants me off of it so when i get out i don't have to pay out of pocket for so many drugs. He wasn't to take me off the Klonopin also but it has to be slowly. He is upping my Trazadone to 100mg when i get back on Saturday night and see how that works.

So finally got out of the unit. I wanted my mom to bring me to a BOA so i can finally deposit my finally check from the ballroom. We finally get home and my boys are freaking out because their momma is home! We played for a while. Then i unpacked a bit and then took out some of the clothes that i wanted to bring with me. I was looking for my hat that i bought at Pac Sun before i went in the hospital and i looked everywhere for the damn thing. So the last place my mom and i checked was the hot topic bag and there it was right on the bottom with the tags still on it. I really love that hat and i wore it all day.

C came to the house to pick me up just before 8 to take me to hockey. the pugs were happy to see her but of course Seamus was constantly barking at her because she's not part of the "inner circle". So we ended up leaving for the rink around 8:15. Since it was a secret that i was coming everyone were pretty surprised to see me. It was really good to see them also. I felt that i fit right in still and nothing was awkward either. that's something that i was expecting and didn't happen.

We played the Lady Monarchs and i know they suck and they hate me so i was expecting some hostility during the game but in fact that didn't happen either. We ended up winning 2-1. The game shouldn't have been that close but we had 3 lines. All the lines worked together pretty well for the most part. We had a lot of penalties though. Our referee sucked and yes i got a penalty for high sticking so i wasn't very happy about that. Also it was close to the end of the game too. I think there were 3 minutes to go. B had one goal and C had the other. I played with B and A. The line wasn't bad but i know i didn't play up to par by far . If i didn't stop playing i would have done 100x better. My best show at a goal was their best player thought she would be all bad ass and tried to deek around me but i wasn't having that so i gook away the puck around our blue line and i was off on a breakaway. When this was all happening one of our players took out one of their players and she was "hurt" so the ref blew the whistle. I was so pissed because i know that i was gonna score. the ref made the wrong call on that play since i wasn't anywhere near the injured girl and our team had possession of the puck. Oh well what can you do right? I did the best i could with that i had and i hadn't played a game since August.

I played center on the 2nd line and i won most of my face-offs which was great for me and a positive. My skating sucked and its not actually like riding a bike either. The problem with my skating maybe my skates. I had the skate shot tighten my blade because it was pretty lose and i think that played is uneven with the other now. I need new blades anyways. I might just go down to Play It Again Sports and trade my old ones for some better used ones. I really want the Vapor xx's or xxx's. When i get out I'll have to make a trip down there. I want to find another Itech helmet also. It's totally falling apart.

Anyways so after the game we went out and hit up Applebee's like they always do after the games. I think there were 8 of us there so it was a good turn out. Everyone ate but me since my mom ordered from Kristo's for dinner. I had a small turkey sub and it was awesome. So we hung out until about midnight and D needed to leave because he had to be up at 4:30am for his Marines thing. So i got home around 12:15am.

When i got home my mom and B were still up. Oh yeah side note my mom and grandma came to the game too which i thought was great. Anyways so the pugs were once again happy to see their momma and were all over me. I talked to the 'rents for a while and i could see Pacey on the could looking at me like "momma shower already so we can get to bed!" I took a night hot shower without my flip flops and i shaved. After i got out came the the test to see if Linkin would go up with me or in my mom's room. He likes to sleep there. He jumped off the couch and headed upstairs but Pacey was being lazy and didn't want to get off the couch to go upstairs. We got him up there though. Pacey per usual went under the covers like he always does the Link went to the foot of the bed.

Saturday:

I woke up a bit early from Pacey wanting to get out from under the covers and Linkin was right against my left so i couldn't move. I didn't mind because i was home and in my own bed. Fell back asleep until i think just before 10am. I got the best sleep since I've been in the hospital. It helped that it was quiet and the door wasn't opening and closing every 15 minutes.

Me and the boys got up and my mom was up already and Seamus was also. I took them all outside to go potty. I grabbed my mac and check my email. I got a surprise email.  Friday night i sent a blog and bulletin out on myspace saying what i was up to and told people to email me at my email since i couldn't check myspace at the hospital. I did also explain what was going on and i mean people are gonna find out some time i might as well let them know. I thought i would let them know i was still alive. So the email was from Z. He is the last person that i thought would email me. I was pretty happy and he was so positive. He wanted to see me again soon since its been almost a year since AM has played a show. I said he had no news on the AM front to cheer me up. Such a kind guy. I'll email him back today or tomorrow. I may save all the emails for when i get to the hospital since it will give me something to do.

Around noon Mom and i went to Wild Willy's to pick up lunch. I was craving their fries and a coffee shake.  I got a grilled cheese but i couldn't eat it all. So much food they give you there.

I wanted to watch the Michigan-Ohio State game since they got a new 40" flat screen with HD. So the game went on about 3:30 and man HD is sick! I wanted Michigan to win but they did not. I knew my mom and B didn't really want to watch the game but i think they really enjoyed it since it was such a close game right down the the wire. We all had a good time watching it.

Grandma came over a little before 7 to say goodbye to me. That was a treat and she ended up watching a bit of the game also. We talked a bit about how everything is going overall and told her about me moving on to the transitioning phase now but i still had a bit of work to do on myself still.  I said i didn't want to get out ASAP but i didn't want to be rushed either. I asked her i could stay there for a few months so i could save up and get my own place. I got a mixed review about the whole thing. She didn't give me a yes or no. I think she is hesitant to have me there because she's scared that i may try to hurt myself again. I wouldn't blamer her either. So hopefully i can go home for Thanksgiving day. 

I spent most of the day online checking through Myspace for jobs and i was checking the Roadie boards with nothing coming up. We had to leave by 7:15pm and the game still had like 20 seconds left but the game was pretty much over. So i said my goodbyes to the pug, gram and B. Mom hauled ass to get me back by 8 and i was a couple minutes late but it wasn't a big deal.

Came back to the hospital and everyone was asking me how my night pass was. I grabbed my computer and finished uploading Old School but for some reason it wasn't working. So i spent over 4 hours for nothing. I just put the DVD in and watching it anyways. When i was watching someone said there was going to be a meeting with G in the day room. So i asked what was going on. J told me JW totally freaked out and was fighting with the staff. I guess he got a phone call but he wasn't allowed to take it because he is on a room program in which he can come out of his room for 15 minutes every hour. So he started talking on the phone and slammed it against the wall. The staff tried to get him to calm down but i guess he was freaking out. A got sent to the hospital for precautions since J scratched him in the eye. I guess a lot of people saw it happening and G just wanted to discuss it. Damn so i missed that.

I finished my movie then took my meds and headed to my room to put my stuff away. I also didn't want to disturb my crazy roomie either. Sleeping was back to normal. I woke up in the middle of the night and i put on the ipod to see if that would make me fall asleep. I didn't fall asleep so i started writing and my hand hurt so i stopped.

Friday Journal

Friday:

So i have no idea when i fell asleep. I know that it was probably 1 or 2am when i went to sleep. Like i said that Trazadone doesn't do anything but harm for me. I did put in the request asking why i was taken off the ambien and i told them who the traz doesn't work. So i asked for other suggestions for sleep meds. This is very important i need to get to sleep. I also said i was leaving on pass between 1:30 and 2:30pm.

Meeting with the Rev. Dr. this morning at 8:45am for a chat. I'm supposed to go to gym but i am skipping it so i can pack for home and try to get some more sleep. I'll most likely pack at lunch since there's no one in the group room so i can get my element backpack and my precious Mac.

I have my list and i need to go over and make sure i am not missing anything.

Off to meet the Rev

Thursday Journal

Thursday:

Didn't get that much sleep. I think i got 3 hours even with all those drugs. I'm really tired like the other day and i think its the trazadone. I wont take it tonight so hopefully i will be better for tomorrow. Don't want to feel sluggish for my opening game tomorrow night.

I fell ok i am trying to be distracted so the fear of feeling of my racing thoughts don't continue. It was only last night that they were coming back. I am not sure why but there could be plenty of reasons. 

Just had anger management and we didnt really have the group. Instead we went to this wellness fair. It was boring but i got some stuff. I got 2 E-mergancy packets. They are pretty good and they are pricey also. I had to buy them a lot for the bands at the Ballroom. Then i got this stuff you crew and spit out and it makes your teeth red so when you brush you can see the spots you missed. So that was about as exciting as it gets at this event.

Up for my next group is the walking group. I don't really want to go but i should. I have to stop being lazy and isolating. I also have library group also so i can check my mail again. I also have Transistionings. I didn't go to that one last week but i went out for fresh air instead.

I was nice last week to not go out. I played hockey 1 day last week. Good times! For the past couple of days i have been listening to my ipod on shuffle. It picks up so much Duran Duran and u2 for some reason. Also a ton of AM, is my ipod trying to tell me something?

10:45 is walk group and its 10:30. Time for my word seek.

Ok so no walk group because i was the only one today i guess. Went to the library group and checked my mail. C replied to me and i sent something back to her. I also send C and email back. I was supposed to have Transitions but i never heard the announcement for it. Oh well i get to spend more time in my room here.

I'm wondering if Dr. C will talk to me today. If not its tomorrow if i don't leave before he talks to me. I haven't seen him today either so he may have it off. He hasn't called anyone either which is around this time also.

D is supposed to call around 3:30ish to confirm everything for tomorrow. I think C will be the one picking me up and i hope she doesn't get lost. She's only been to my house once. It was also during the day.

I'm feeling OK still today. Still a bit nervous and anxious today. I may make a cameo outside my room today for a little walk but they are so damn boring now. I miss my old favorite spot by the heater. I don't go over there because K is always talking and the other Px's get him fired up. Although someone is in the 4 points right now. I'm wondering if its him. I haven't seen or heard him since breakfast. Oh i actually had lunch today, I don't know what's come over me haha.

The locals are freaking out today. We've had 4 code greens today and 2 of them in 4 points. Well just 1 now. Must be a full moon or something in the water. It's too cloudy to see if there is one. All the cases were pretty minor except for 1 which they called in the campus security. You know you've hit the big time when the come rolling in on you.

Dr. C took me off the ambien and i don't know why. I'm kinda pissed about it. There trazadone shit doesn't do anything for me. I see the effects of the Remeron coming back with the Trazadone. So ill have to get ahold of him tomorrow before i leave. Maybe i will put in a request asking why and tell him the traz isn't doing anything but make me tired all the time but i can't sleep. With the combo of them (traz and ambien) it seemed to do pretty well together. I really don't know overall what is going to help me sleep and will i have to take them forever? f so that will suck.

I'm still feeling a bit down. My mom called around 9:20pm just to firm things up. Here appointment is at 10 not noon so she said she can be there at 1:30 instead of 3:30 but i think she'll get here around 2ish since it is a hair appointment. Anyways as for me heeling down i don't know what is causing it. I really think it maybe the Trazadone. I'm not feeling suicidal but i just feel down. I am looking forward to seeing my boys and sleeping with them but the anticipation of everything has gone away. As in "yeah I'm going on an overnight pass, no biggy really." That's just how i feel and i cant help it. I know that thoughts are coming. Will it happen at the house? will it trigger everything and got that dark roll going again? We will find out tomorrow and Saturday. Hmm I'm wondering since Jeremy's death if the house has been a bad omen for me? Could be true.

by the way i have J back as my roommate and it sucks. She has OCD to the max. I'm trying to sleep around 9:30 and comes in and turns on the fucking light. Thanks bitch for being so courteous. She is insane and she goes on these rants and docent stop until you start to walk away. She's fucking snobby as hell to because she's from MA. She thinks she's higher than anyone else. Bitch please! I cant wait to see her go. It wont be soon enough. She wont stay still in bed. it's gonna drive me crazy and she snores a bit so i can most likely count on not sleeping tonight. And she talks to herself way to much. She almost says it under her breath so you cant really tell what she's saying but she has great conversations with herself.

Ok off to request about the ambien sitch and to bitch about the traz.

Wednesday Journal

Wednesday:

Slept pretty good last night but I'm not sure how much i actually got. If i had to guess i would say about 5-6 hours. I still feel a bit sleepy and i would still be in bed but the housekeepers are cleaning my room. I had to strip my bed of all my sheets and blankets. Teddy is hiding up on top of my clothes on the table.

I spent about 2+ hours on the phone straight last night. Once call after another, 3 calls in a row. First was A called and we caught up on the stuff. I told him that i would finally write that damn email. Then we got talking about how everything was going here and my pass. Then about shows in general. Then R called me on the other phone, so i said goodbye to A and started talking to R. I gave her the lowdown on my pass and she was happy about that. Then she was telling me about problems about her conference in Dallas. I let her rant about that and i hope i made her feel better and telling her about the positives about her trip. Then she was telling me about one of the some gossip. She was sad i wouldn't be able to see her when i was out on pass. I told her i would stay with her on my next pass. So i just got off the phone with her and L calls. I thought she was in San Antonio but it was Austin. She said it was a such a awesome place to be and the scene there was pretty bad ass. She said she would go back again and see some shows and stuff like that. I guess the people there were cool and that the Real World was being taped there when she was there. I talked to her about my pass and how i get to see the little men. I also mentioned that the Mr. Pace Picante made a cameo here on Saturday. My boy was getting robust i said and she laughed. I also told her the phone call i got from H last week and all the details and how much it has helped me start to move on. we had a really good overall talk and we talked for 40ish minutes. I called my mom at 5:30 last night to let her know that i got my overnight pass. She was pretty excited about it and i didn't have much more details about times and stuff. I did say i may know more today and that i would call her tonight any which way to give her an update on everything about it. I'm not sure if they would let me stay at her house but if not ill stay at my gram's and have her drop me off a the house in the morning so i could see my boys. 

I took out all my stuff already that i wanted to take back and i wanted to switch out some of my clothes. So i made a list of stuff that i was bringing back and stuff i wanted to bring here. So all the stuff i am bringing back is on my desk already to go.

I once again have empowerment today and i still hate going to it every other day in the weekday. It's a 6 week cycle and i am close to that 6 weeks so i wonder if they get to get out of maybe next week. I'm not really counting on that but a girl can dream you know.

I think i may run to the library and see if D got my emails from last night.

So D called me around 4:30 today to confirm everything. He said he will make room for me to play. There's a game on Saturday in N. Conway that i maybe able to pull off too if i can get someone to bring me back to the hospital in time.

As for details about my overnight on Friday. My mom is picking me up around 3:30pm and i get to bond with my boys for a while yay! Then D or C will pick me up to go to the rink and i think D can bring me home. I don't know if they are going out after but i hope so. Then i will be using the Mac to get on myspace and the roadie boards to hopefully get some gig work and getting more contacts with the ones that i have now. I want to find out who does the local crew for the Civic center too. Maybe catch a few shows there.

D called and we caught up on things. She got the 411 on things that happened last week and she was glad to here that helped me. It was quick convo since my meds are really kicking in now.

G caught me off guard tonight. She asked how i was doing and i said fine but she said my face looked flushed and i said i was ok and i told her about my pass. She asked if i was nervous about that and i said a bit but i was going to play hockey and see my boys. I can see my self falling so i have to keep it together for another 2 days. I think i can do it, I hope i can do it. G said i had a lot of strengths which was really good to here. I'm not sure what they are but I'll figure them out. I told her i was scared about the transition phase since i am pretty much starting over.

Ok the drugs are really kicking in night!

Tuesday Journal

So i put in my request about getting a night pass for Friday night. I still haven't gotten it back. I still think it's a 50/50 shot. If i don't get it i think they thing I'm ready to get out. If i do get it then they think i am on my way to transition. I'll go up to the desk later and ask to see if they have it.

Still didn't sleep well last night. I think i got about 3 hours of sleep. I took the klonopin, ambien and the trazadone. What the fuck is going to work to help me sleep? For the most part i feel ok but i know its gonna do damage later with my depression. Since i haven't been sleeping well i have been hiding in my room a lot more. Trying to sleep during the day and early night. I'll get a few minutes here and there but i it doesn't add to much in the end. My appetite has taken a dive to because of the lack of sleep. My interests in groups is not interesting to me anymore. I just got the one i have to go to like empowerment, HHH and LR. I think i may have to go to the anger management. That's on Thursday and I'll decide whether i want to go to it or if i have to go to it. I really don't think i need it but i may try it once if i can get out of bed.

Talked to the Rev Dr. today. We didn't talk to much. She asked me why i didn't like Dr. D and i told her the basics and i deal with the groups i have to be in with him. s much as i don't like him the groups are good for me and i wont ever like him and i wasn't budging on that issue. She also talked about i went out of my way to talk at the HHR yesterday. I didn't see it as a big deal but she did and i told her i talked a lot in CR today also. Then we went on the subject of transitioning. And i told her my fear of starting over almost completely and that i was afraid of failing and getting back into my depression. I mentioned about requesting a night pass to play hockey and start making contacts via Internet. Then we went on to talk about the phone call about learning more details about Jeremy's death. I told her that i had a great week from that phone call but i said the upswing of it was that i was thinking a bit more of it and i may have more questions that i had before but i am facing the truth and beginning to start with the acceptance of his death. So i guess we talked a lot actually. It was a good talk and we are meeting up on Friday morning.

Oh i got a card from K today. It was pretty cute. It was a cat soaking wet on a bathroom. She said she was sorry about not visiting me before she left and that she will keep in contact with me when she can. She said i can beat "it".

I went to the library and went online this afternoon. I emailed D to let him know that there is a chance that i can play on Friday if they needed me. I also told him to call me and i would be able to play if they needed me and if not and i do have the pass that i would come watch anyways.

Time to go to the front to see if my request is there at the desk. 

Yay! I got approved so I'm hoping Dave will call me tonight and hopeful i will be able to play on Friday. I get to go home and see my boys and sleep with them. It needs to be 5:30 so i can call my mom and tell her. She's gonna be freaking out. It's only a night but makes a huge difference. I can switch some of my clothes out too. I bring back some stuff i don't need either. I can download and put in more Cd's on the ipod. I will have to make a list. I can't wait to get on myspace too! I can email all the people who didn't know what was going on also. Time to make a list of what i want to bring home with me.