Fuck It Moments

Lately I'm realizing how detached from life i really am. I feel like i am in a cloud all the time and that everything that is going on around me almost doesn't seem real. It seems like now that i have actually realized that i have in other words "checked out" in life that it's just another reason why i i shouldn't be around anymore. I feel like i have no emotional attachment to anything anymore and nothing really is appreciated by me. I see now that other people see that in me. They see that i am here but not really here. I do things like constantly play with my iPhone or go online just to avoid whatever is going on in that moment. I use whatever it maybe for a distraction for other people so no one notices what is really going on.

This weekend was a huge wake up call on really seeing what is going on with me. Also looking back a bit too and i can see it has affected me not only in a social aspect and a physical aspect but there is also a huge downfall on a emotional aspect. I see in myself doing things that are either by what other people feel is either anti social or just plain narcissism. When in reality i just think that this is what "normal" people do but in the back of my head i know it's not what they do. Is this all really a dream though? Have i been living my life for the past 2+ years thinking that it is all one big dream?

All i want to do is sleep and pass the time away so i don't have to think about what I'm always thinking. I just don't want to get caught up in a confused moment and say fuck it but on the other hand i just want the courage to really just say fuck it. We all know it just takes one moment for everything to just go away. The fuck it moment to just say yeah fuck it all. Not care about anything but what you are going through and forget everything that it may cost you in the end. Forget about anyone you may hurt in the end. Forget EVERYTHING in that moment. It only takes one. So when will it be? Maybe if i don't think about it too much it will come quicker. Maybe if i had some help with some drugs or alcohol maybe that will make my moment come quicker.

Let's face it, I Heather will never ever be the same person i was a few years ago. I didn't mind being that person but i know there are things that i could change if i was back there. It seems that no amount of drugs will ever bring me back to that time. There's no amount of therapy that will bring me back there. The only thing therapy does its make you think of the bad things that happen to you when you didn't really know that was what was really going on. So when you try to be that person you were you have those other things on your mind and there is no way you can get back to that place. I can't say it enough but even when you are gone time and the world does not stop for anything or anyone.