The little things that give you away

It's amazing to really see myself go up and down like it do. It is as always i can tell as soon as i get up i know how i am going to feel for the rest of the day. Like in my dreams at night determines how i will feel the next day. I wish i could find a way to control it and i try during the day to think positive or to try to get out. Lately though I'm lucky if i can get out of bed some days. When i do actually get out of bed i have been up for a while.

So since my depression has been so severe lately i will yet again go to the doctor and get more drug essentially. It's not something i want to do because i am straight edge after all but there is a glimmer of hope that maybe this time this drug may work. But i have been thinking that for a year and half now. So that brings me to another couple of questions. When should i just say "yeah well the drugs are not working so should i even bother with them?" Or here's the other that has been in my brain for a while now: "Is it all just worth it? Is my life that important that i have to suffer everyday just to go on and do whatever i am doing at the time?" 

 

Now that i am having a somewhat good day i am blogging. Trying to make a positive blog for once. I wish i could write everyday on here but most of the time i just have nothing to say. I have always been like that though. I rather have someone speak to me than to them. Not sure where i got that from but it's something i should try to improve. 

I should appreciate what i have here since so many others do not have what i have. I'm not saying that i have the world by the balls but i do have to say i have it pretty good. But i also think what is it all for though? In the end what did i really just accomplish? Who's life did i really effect positively or negatively.  

Sometimes well this week especially i really think that i am dooming myself. Some how i like to set myself up to become something i do not want. I think i make myself miserable so i have something to die for. Thinking that i would like to be with Jeremy more than the rest of the world. Who wouldn't want that. You spend so much time with someone you love with all your heart. Someone you actually trusted just to have your heart shattered into a million pieces because of what he did to himself. I like to think that i would like to kill myself just to ask those questions why. I want to know what the fuck he's doing now that so important that he couldn't do down here.

Anyways life moves on with or without me. I will always have that quote with me. I can use it as a positive or a negative.