For some reason this birthday has really bothered me this year and i am unsure why that is. Just knowing what we or even just he could have been doing this year really hurts me to know what he is missing. It still bothers me that i had all the sign of intuition that something was wrong and i didn't do anything about it. I think it may haunt me forever. But this blog isn't going to be about me, it's going to be about him.
He was the kindest boy anyone could ever know and he could make friends with anyone. His personality was just so vibrant and he always could just light up a room at anytime. Despite his demons he was always there for anyone that needed. Jeremy took care of me and i tried my best to do the same. I just wonder what he would have been doing on his birthday. Would he be out with friends for a great dinner and a beer or would he just be home hanging out with the pugs. The memories of him are starting to fade and that scares me a lot. I try my best to think of all the good times and try to forget all the dark times. He loves the pugs so much and they loved him back just as much. I remember him always coming home and sitting in front of the tv just watching his favorite shows with Linkin on one side and Pacey on the other. I remember also him driving with the 2 boys on his lap driving a stick shift. How nuts is that? He was talented i have to say that. I always used to get mad at him because he could just lose 10 lbs so easy and it was hard for me to lose any weight. He ate Hot Pockets every fucking day, he loved them haha. I remember his really quirky taste in music and how much i used to make fun of him for listening to Celine Dion. He was the biggest dork but i loved him for it. Despite of us being so opposite we just had this connection. I remember talking to him on the phone for the first time and i was like "It seems like i've known you for a long time." and he said he thought of it the same way. It's hard to imgaine losing such a connection and i know that i may never have that feeling again. I felt like i knew him more than anyone else on this earth and i can be proud of that.
It's wierd about his death because i had a lot of feelings in the day leading up to his suicide. Getting the last email from him and knowing something was just off and wrong. Then getting voicemail from his mother and i just knew he commited suicide. But i layed that aside for a second thinking that maybe he finally got help but i was right. The last thing that gets me is that i knew how he did it without anyone telling me. Know one told me until about a month later but somehow i knew it. That's a life connection. If anyone could ever experience the upside of it all i hope everyone does. It's an amazing experience. I would give up anything for him to be here again. I wish it was me rather than him. Jeremy had much more to offer the world than i ever will. The world needs a good person like him because there isn't that much good in the world these days.
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