It's 4am and i got woken up by K yelling that he couldn't get up. That was around 3:15 or so. Once again i'm getting about 4 hours of sleep at night. I feel exhausted from it also. When i went to bed last night i put on the Donnie Darko soundtrack and i fell asleep during Mad World. I may try it again tonight also or make a play list of really quiet, non-emotional songs. Maybe i can get the Norah aka Snorah Jones cd and that will make me fall asleep quick!
I'm starting to feel the dark cloud over me again and i am not sure why its happening. Maybe its because i am back here and i miss home already. Maybe its because i hate my roommate because she is a nut. Ranting and raving and she def needs anger management. I don't think i really need it but whatever i will give it a shot since last week didn't count. As for me feeling like i am getting into that black hole is mostly because its fucking 4am and i can't sleep. It seems like it happens everyday, then during the day all i want to do is sleep and i am not really hungry either.
I'm not sure if i want to go home for Thanksgiving as much as i had a good time with everyone and the pugs i think that a Wednesday-Friday thing is too long for me. Maybe i just don't want to go home for whatever reason. I've known for a couple of weeks that i didn't really want to go home for Thanksgiving and the holiday isn't really a big deal to me either.
I have to meet with the Rev. Dr. today at 8:45 which sucks because that means i have to be dressed right after breakfast. I'm thinking of skipping breakfast so i can lay around. I don't feel hungry now but maybe by 8 i will be better.
The meeting with the Rev i am kind of wondering how it will go and i'm talking with Dr C. also today. I wonder if i should tell them about not really wanting to go home for Thanksgiving. Should i also tell them i feel like i'm falling again also. I don't think it was because i went home now that i think of it. There were no bad vibes when i went and stayed. I made an effort to stay downstairs which was a really good thing for me to do. Now it is time to attempt to sleep more. Although i hear F down at the front desk asking if she was going home today. Ahh that's not happening. She's a level 2 right now also. No going home for you!
I finally got to sleep around 7 just to be woken up by the intercom saying it was time for breakfast. I skipped out and tried to sleep more but i did get up quickly just to take my meds so i wouldn't have the nurses bitching and calling me constantly. Went back to bed just to be called on by Dr C. ugg.
So it's about 10am and I'm with Dr. C. We just talked about the weekend and he mentioned a family meeting. He also said something about 12 days. If i am seriously being released in 12 days i'm fucked. 12 days is not enough time to prepare me for discharge. We also talked about the different Conditional Discharges again. He said he will talk to the lawyer about my situation and see about designing a CD for me. He also mentioned he could just do an Absolute Discharge too which means i don't have to follow any one's rules.
Went back to bed and was woken up for lunch and i ate but it sucked. I only had a slice of bread with a small portion of "Cherry Delight" oh and a milk. Then went back to bed.
Woke up for HHH and did not want to go. The group was super boring today and it was a shitty session. Gym is later but i will be skipping that per usual.
Right now i am feeling so shitty. Thoughts are streaming though my head right now. I don't really care about anything right now. It's just really come on strong in the last couple of hours. I just want to stay in my bed forever or just hang myself. My hands are a bit shaky and my stomach hurts but that maybe because its the crimson wave time of the month. I just feel like i can cry now and i hate that feeling. I'm so sick of feeling this way and it's such a constant battle and i never really know when it's gonna happen either. The thoughts are just really racing and i know what i am going to do if i do just want to kill myself in here. I know what i want to do to kill myself when i am out of the hospital also. That plan is pretty much fool proof. In here it's a 50/50 shot. The roomie could fuck it up if she's in here. If she isn't then i start preparing in between safety checks and when i do it i have 15 minutes to do it. I think 15 minutes can cover it. I find it ironic that R will be going to see John Holland and if i am gone then maybe it's me that will be talking to her. I think that sounds pretty damn cool but sad that i may have to let her down. There's still no guilt in this also. I think i will have to talk to G if she is here tonight but i think she has it off. I'm wondering if i need to write a new note because Jeremy for the most part isn't in the equation now. I just can't cope with these feelings anymore. There were a good 2 weeks and now everything has completely changed with the major pressure of the transition.
I've always been up for a challenge and since the age of 2 i've been hitting the ground running. There was always some confidence in me to do the best i could and pull through almost anything. Now it seems like it's gone, i've lost it for now or forever.
Preparations are made now. I redid all the notes i have to just write out one to the staff letting them now that if i am pronounced dead that i am an organ donor. Actually that's kinda fucked up. At least something good could come out of all of this.
Now i just need to pick a time and place. I have been keeping track of checks to see if there is more time at one particular hour than the next. I think i will be choking myself with a hoodie string. I will do it in bed with the cover over me. No G tonight which is a bummer. No one to talk to but i hope R calls that may help me get over this period.
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