My gram and R called last night and we had great conversations. I told them my worries about being discharged on the 4th. they both know that i am not ready to go out there just yet and that i have to take baby steps. I need to get an overnight pass and start from there.
I talked to G last night and i told her i was pretty depressed. I said i haven't eaten in a couple of days because of all the stress. She said i needed to keep my energy levels up and that i need to eat even though i am not hungry. She said she would check in with me again later tonight. Just to make sure everything was ok. I told her i was trying my best to keep it together.
I fell the same today but i was feeling hungry earlier but not anymore. I may go to the Caf later and pick up a snack, maybe my home made shake. I still feel pretty sleepy and out of it so i may just chill out for a while.
Just sitting here alone in this room makes me feel so empty but i have been feeling like this since Monday. The thoughts are racing and consuming me. When J was in the room i did my best to keep it together but when she left i just cried and cried. It's like "what did i do to deserve to be in this place." I don't want to live like this anymore. It's such bullshit and i hate myself for not getting it together and out of this mess. There's 2 options. 1. Just say fuck it all or 2. Just do what you have to do to get better.
I have notes all ready written now i just have to get myself to finish it. I know that i have gone so far to deal with all the issues that i have had throughout my life but i have so much more to deal with at the same time. The meds are really fucking with me.
To be continued.......
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