Friday Journal

I had a good Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, B and gram. I ate a lot and felt sick after but not sick enough to eat a piece of chocolate binge cake. Hung would with the boys and they were happy still that their momma was home with them. All was going well watching the football game and around 6:30 i started to get into a panic with no warning either.

So about an hour later they had to have noticed something was up so i spoke up and said that i was feeling very panicky and i didn't know why. My hands were shaking, I couldn't stop my leggs from moving and my heart was racing. I couldn't concentrate at all.

I'm glad it ended up happening so they could all see what i was going through first hand. They get to see how hard it really is for me and trying to cover something up as major as that all the time. We all had a good hour and a half talk. I told them everything to and i know some of the stuff really was scary for them to hear. I told them how badly my week went this week and the only hope for me to keep myself together was that i really wanted to see my boys. They clearly saw that i may not be ready to leave the hospital. I told them i felt a lot of pressure from Dr. C to get out of there. And i said i didn't want to be rushed either. I told them about the meeting with Dr. C and how he had mentioned that i had 12 days to get everything in order and he wanted to have a family meeting to talk about fears on the outside and to reassure my gram that i would be 'safe' in my grandma's house. At the time i was talking to him i was ok with that but Monday afternoon that things were going downhill quickly and i felt horrible all week. All i did was hide in bed pretty much. So i pretty much had the biggest confession with them that i have ever had. I told them that i need to be a bit more stable before i get out. 

I wanted to see me back in full form.Right now i feel like a silhouette right now. I'm there physically but I'm not really there mentally and my mom and R have both seen that. I wanted to make sure that my meds are working and i think that 9 days that they wont be working the way i want them to be working. The Trazadone i think is not working with me the way it should be. The Effexor i know for sure is not working. I have good days and i have really bad days. The bad day are outweighing the good days. I know that i need to working on my coping skills also. Applying the coping skills are not very good either. The biggest factor of all is that i need to feel guilty about committing suicide. That's something that i has never been covered with Dr. C or anyone in the hospital.

In the end i texted D and he came and picked me up to bring me back to NHH. My mom wasn't happy but i told her i needed to be in a safe place just in case. So i am back and it's about 6am. D brought me back around 10ish last night. I had called the nurses station and tell them know what was going on. I talked to G quickly so she knew what was up.

When i got back to the unit they did their usual search and i finally brought my stuff back to my room and sat down in the day room area and had a quick chat with G. I just told her about the day and what went on. After i put in a request asking to keep me in a bit longer since i was still feeling suicidal and depressed. I think they know what kind of week i was having and it wasn't going to change anytime soon. Told them that i wanted to work on my coping skills a bit more.