Monday is here and right now this Monday maybe my worst one yet. I went to bed a little after 3 this morning. Yeah my Trazadone is doing a good job for me. I'm pissed today and it didn't help that i hardly slept at all. I just feel like shit today. I don't feel any motivation at all to do anything today.
I ended up going to Empowerment which once again sucked. I don't even know why i mention it on here still. Nothing is going to change with that stupid group. I got a request from the team asking me to "Please report to all on-unit groups while you are here." How long have i been here? Do you really think things are going to change and i am all of a sudden going to go to all the groups? Let's just say no.
So here's the most exciting part of the day for me. So i am on a Level 2 and they have a camera in my room. I put my pillow down by the heater so i could write. I knew that i was not in the view of the camera. So about 20 seconds later A comes in and asked me to move over. Since my day is shitty i am going to make someone elses shitty like mine and i said i'm not moving. I said i wasn't moving and he lefts. So P comes in on her high horse asking what was going on and to tell me to move so they could see me. I said "no" and she proceeds to threaten me with timeout and or a Level 1. So in the end she put me on a Level 1 and i could care less pretty much.
So now that i'm on a Level 1 and someone with me all the time i still went to my groups. The Rev Dr. wanted to talk after HHH but another Px wanted to talk to her and i just went off and did other things. Later i ended up talking with her and it was a ok talk. When i was talking with her i saw P looking in a couple of times and i thought she was going to come in also and talk but she didn't end up doing that. Now i am waiting for Dr. C to call and talk with me.
Well I talked to Dr. C. He called me around 4:30 and we only talked for 45 minutes. I wish it went on longer but he had to go home. He said he will let me know when i will be discharged tomorrow. Also he said that he thinks i'm "scared to death to leave the hospital" and the reason that i "acted" out was to stay longer here. I think he is partially correct i really don't think i am stable enough to leave the hospital but i am not scared to leave this place. I want to move on but am i ready to move on from this hospital? He also said i am pretty dependant on people and that i look for people to ask me what is wrong. He says i need to take responsibility for y action. Yes i know that but i am not quiet ready to take that responsibility because of what i am feeling. My coping skills are still next to nothing right now. I have no idea what i should be doing. The issues in trusting people are still nonexistent also. I'm still no comfortable in just telling people my problems and i still feel like i am a burden to people. It's not very fun when i am told i have 12 days to get everything together and settled on the outside.
I just want it to be like it was before Jeremy died. Something in me just went off when i found out he killed himself. It's not something you just get over in a couple of days. Life is complicated when someone you know very close commits suicide. It's not an easy to get over in a short amount of time. It's something that will linger with you for a long time.
Dr. C asked why i was a Level 1 and i told him i was angry today and i just wanted to be an asshole period. I didn't really give a fuck about what they would do to me. I still feel that way this very second. He didn't really say anything after that.
My roommate has been having a meltdown today so i think there could be 2 Level 1's in the same room. Not that i'm proud to be a Level 1 as it is but it's just a strange thing to happen. I'm pretty sure she will be at least a Level 2 because they brought her to timeout a little while ago.
Oh also on a side note Dr. C still wants to have a family meeting just to "Update" them on what is going on here. So i told him they already know what's up so what is the point? I know he's going to release me on the 4th any which way. I know that if he plans to discharge me on the 4th that i would appeal it but i didn't tell him that. He wants me to make a safety plan when i am out. How can i make a safety plan when i don't even feel safe right now?
So today i will write down some questions for Dr. C and to make some points on why i should stay here for just a little longer. I had some great ideas this morning but then i forgot to write them down.
No comments:
Post a Comment