You find that safe spot when you feel unsafe
Just even a few minutes of quiet will help
Realization of being here is hard to deal with
I make the most of what i got
I can barely see what I'm writing
The pills are starting to take over
Writing what i can before i fall asleep
There are thoughts of 2nd guessing on what meds i need
Do i really need them or can i talk out the issues
Thinking everyday will be a new day
Hoping it is better than the last
But always think how much worse today can be
You are like a ghost here
You need to act out to get what you need
How are will you go to get their attention
I just want someone to tell me what i want to hear
I need to know that suicide is not the answer
I want to feel guilty for hurting the people who love me and like me
"I 'm gonna die on my own terms not yours"
"Standing in a crowd but always feeling alone. Lost in your thoughts, can't stop thinking about those thoughts"
Sia says it has to end to begin. You can take it in 2 contexts. 1 is to let go and start over with no strings attached. Live hour by hour. 2 is to end your life and hope to start another somewhere else if that doesn't happen.
Which one do i want to pick. I think is something i will be faces with everyday. Every hour even. Right now i am feeling positive and hopeful. I am alone hiding in my cubby hole every content. Listening to my Ipod. All is quiet on the unit. It's quiet in my room. No roommate either which is a positive influence.
Lately i have been feeling like not mine. Almost influenced. I've been frightened and maybe woken up a bit. I see it as a progress. I like the state of mind i am in but at the same time i am waiting for the hatchet to come me.
I think getting off the unit lets me get a positive vibe listening to the outside world. It's a great way to break away form the evils in this place. I know i have taken a couple of steps back a bit today. I have taken one forward i think.
Like i said yeah i know that other shoe may drop but i have to get it out what i am thinking or feeling. Put it in a positive way instead of a negative. this maybe the first time i have written a positive letter to myself. Let's hope it continues.
The only negative thing i have to say is that E was discharged today. He really helped me get through some of these dark days. He was always a positive person no matter what he was going through. Some how even at my darkest hour he made me smile. Not many people can do that. I hope to keep in contact with him and we'll see.
Went shopping today with K. We went out to the mall. She got an MP3 player and i got some new headphones that suck ass but they were only 1o bucks. I also got 2 more t-shirts. Yeah just what i need and i got a Silverstein shirt and a As I Lay Dying shirt and both were only $9.99 each. What the hell right? I got my ATM card and saw how much money i had in my account. Then we went to Olive Garden which was super good
How do you find a positive with so many negatives
Why do i fell better when i feel dark
How come i feel so bitter and angry
You just lose yourself in your head
I know I'm not alone outside but inside i am
Stuck in this room with a bed
Looking for that 1 light
I'm silently screaming for something
Looking for that positive day
Your breaking point is that calmness
It feels like nothing but world is off your back
Life is a puzzle and sometimes you need help
Even when you think you got it
You do really need it
The pain will always be here
but in the end it's something that makes you stronger
Hope is a string and don't let go
Sometimes it's hard to hold onto it
It can become very small but hold it
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