Tuesday Journal

Tuesday:

Right now i feel this calm

It's something that i have never felt before

Putting the plans together

Making sure everything goes perfect

When you fee lost and alone

You feel no hop

What is it that may save you

Do you want to be saved

There are days where you can say "Everything will be OK"

But they don't come very often

I;m tired, I can't feel anything

If i stabbed myself i wonder if i would feel it

I try my best to not draw attention to myself

I like to fly under the radar

People judge when they notice

Do they really want to help or do i really tell them i don't want help. Listening to constant yelling and provoking doesn't help the situation. Can i cat out once just so i can tell them "yes i need some help"

I just want to let go. I don't know what i am holding back but it's something i need to get rid of. I don't care anymore. Just want to sleep forever. Maybe i can just sleep for a better day.

The doctor asks me questions i can't or don't know how to answer. Putting me in strong clothes is not an answer just like a pill either. How much do i want this? How important is life to me? Right now its at the bottom of the list of priorities. My life is like a double edge sword. I want this put you can't do it that way.

Scary night so far, they just gave E some meds that either A. they overdosed him or B. he had a really bad reaction. He was shaking and moaning uncontrollably. He seemed really sick around 4pm and from there it all went downhill. Seeing a man with so much life with so many dreams become a person who you could never imagine being. Him clutching my hand while he was sweating and shaking really really scared me. It makes me not want to take meds because of the trauma i have witnessed. Seeing him communitcating as normal with his mother must have been horrible on her to see and embarrassed for him also. He was wearing a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, and a sweatshirt. I couldn't tell if he tell hot or cold. His shirt was soaked with sweat from all the shaking. I helped him for about 10 minutes. Went to his room and held his hand and told him it was going to be OK and to focus on breathing. We put on his CD player for a distraction also. I couldn't tell if it helped or not. He was a big believer in God so i told him to focus on him. I hope in the end this event won't affect him for the rest of his life. I know it would for me. I don't trust the medical industry as it is and i wouldn't blame him for the mistrust either.