Well they took away these notebooks so i was using the green notebook. But now i 'm back with this one. I had a really rough night last night and i actually cried too. I'm losing control of my emotions totally and i feel dead now. I'm going to lay in bed all day unless i get a call. I finished a lot of my suicidal notes except for the one for the staff here. It was really hard to write but i got through all of them. Now i have to get the perfect timing to finish myself off unless someone can get to me and my head first. 40 days here and i feel like i have gone no where but down. I'm waiting for the staff to give up on me any day now. Most of my friends are moving on or i really scared them. I would be too if i were them. R, I have no idea what is going on with her and that worries me the most out of all of this. She's gone so far with me to help me and i think I've put too much stress on her and it's really effecting everything around her so maybe that's why she's calling. And of course i always think of worse case . I scenario in everything.
So for me to lose here is definitely just as big as a loss as losing Jeremy as of right now. I just need to talk to her to find out what the situation really is and hopefully i can get it out of here the next time she calls. If she ever does call.
I think i may have slept better last night that i have all week which is good for me but i just feel so angry and sad and i don't even know why at this point. I do feel empty and numb at the same time.
So i actually got up and got dressed. I don't even why. I think i got bored of laying in bed since i couldn't sleep. I feel like starting trouble today. I went in the caf and plugged in my ipod charger. Then while i the ipod was charging i did 2 find-a-words and then i took a few laps and i still feel horrible. My roomie is out of bed which only happens a couple of times a day. She seems friendly enough and I'm wondering what brought her here. I wonder if she is also depressed too, That's what it seems like but I'm just guessing.
Had dinner and i was hoping to have a grilled cheese and what did i get, yeah a grilled cheese. So that was a surprise. Also R finally called me around 4pm. We talked about 30 minutes. I just told her that i needed her to call me everyday if she could. I does make me feel better. I walked the halls and listened to the KT CD. It's such a good CD. The day is getting a bit better.
Tomorrow is Monday and the week starts all over again. I'm not looking forward to empowerment tomorrow. I also have Hope, Help and Recovery which isn't bad but it's still boring. I'm hoping to talk and hash it out with Dr. C tomorrow. I just hope i can tell him how frustrated i am with myself and the way there treatment plan is going. I want to know his insight on what he thinks is going on with me and my head games with myself.
I've been talking with my roomie D and she seems pretty cool to talk to. We have some pretty good convo's. She's in her mid 40's and is from Rochester so that's pretty ironic. She has major depression also so i think we may get along pretty well. I don't think she'll be here long though. It's hard to connect with people here since there are so many different people with different illnesses. There's really no one like me.
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