I'm waiting for "approval" to go play hockey on my 2 hour pass. D is coming around 10am to get me. I can't wait and i just hope they will let me play. I don't see why not in the first place. Why would they give me the pass if i couldn't go out. I've been having an awesome week. that phone call from H made a huge difference. I think i will be finally talking to Dr. C today but who knows thought. I'm listening to Duran Duran's greatest hits. I miss them and i'm wondering when their new album is coming. I wish they would have played a Boston show but i probably wouldn't have been able to go to it anyways. It's only 9:08am, I know time will be stopping haha.
Just got back from hockey and it was awesome. It was just me D and some random guy. It was good to just get my feet from under me again. Took about 20 minutes but it worked out. I'm still having a hard time with stick handling but i can manage that pretty quick. I got to shave which was great since i was pretty hairy. Me and D got Wendy's after for lunch and ate it here and chatted. It was a great chat i think. He's a good friend for sure. I think i'm gonna be pretty sore tomorrow i can feel it kicking in already. I'm pretty tired also and i need to take a nap but i have groups in 2o minutes. The team changed my schedule around so instead of Strength Training i now have Anger Management. I've been here for how long and they are just putting me in this group?
Finally got to talk to Dr. C. It was pretty late in the day for him it seemed. I think it was around 4:30ish. So i told him about the phone call and how much that has made an impact on me overall this week. I told him most of the details of what i heard and i told him that i think now no matter how much i may have tried to save Jeremy that he was pretty much set in committing suicide. I think Dr. C what a s bit shocked to hear how much improvement i made with that 1 phone call. He told me that we'll see what this weekend brings me. Also he si going to have me try a different medication called Trazadone to sleep with. It's used for people who have insomnia and also for a antidepressant also. I don't know if he's going to take me off Effexor if the trazadone helps me sleep but i am worried that it may make me like i was on the Remeron, which wasn't pretty. He'll probably start me off on a really low dose so it won't effect me too much. Dr. C is also going to meet with me 2x a week now and will try to talk with me on Monday. He was thinking of working on the transitioning stage too, I'm a bit frightened by the prospect of it now because i have no place to live and don't know how much work i will be able to get. Those are really big factors and i also know that i need a postive environment.
I can't live alone. I don't want to be released early and not be totally comfortable with my state of mind even thought i maybe in a good place now. I'd rather stay here work on the stuff i need help with and get totally prepared for what's gonna happen on the outside. I have a mega car payment as it is so that takes up more than a lot of peoples rent. Then i have the pugs and i can't leave them alone all day and it's hard to find a place would allow 2 precious pugs.
R just called, her and the boys are coming up to take me to lunch. Should be good times i think. She's gonna bring me to BOA so i can cash well deposit that last Casino check. It will be good to see R and the boys. I haven't see her in like 3 weeks and she's my best friend.
Oh i emails J from work and just gave him a quick update on what was going on and i thanked him for a great season and giving me the opportunity to work there. I hope to here from him sometime next week.
Now it's time to take my meds and call it a day. I have spent most of my day laying in bed pretending to sleep through. Gots to brush the teeth and then take my meds. I hope to sleep well and not be sore
1 comment:
For what it's worth, I believe only Jeremy could save Jeremy. Just as nobody can save you from yourself, only you can do that.
I still remember seeing a show about suicide, people jumping off the San-Francisco Bay Bridge, which had been the capital of bridge jumping suicides. Most jumpers die from that jump, but of the very few that have lived after jumping, they interviewed a survivor. He said "the moment I let go of the rail, as I was falling all I could think about was how much I wished I hadn't jumped.... how much I still needed to do in my life." It was that story on television that helped me realize just how big a mistake my own suicide would have been. I wish you had seen this show.
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