Today is Sunday and the time has changed. It is now an hour earlier. Things have changed since yesterday. I am going downhill and i am isolated myself again. D will be coming and i think that i will stay on the unit today. I just don't feel like doing anything again. It probably doesn't help that i heard K at 3am and i didn't go back to sleep. My sleep patterns are declining each night and it seems like. I haven't been too hungry lately either. I'm not going to complain about that because i gained all the weight back i lost last month. I just don't feel angry but i don't feel much at all again. Thoughts are creeping back slowly. What is causing this? Why am i feeling like this?
I am listing to JEW, the Futures album and it's just an amazing album. I love just about every song. I wish i could write like them. I remember the last time me and Jeremy saw them It was at the Avalon and we were both amazed on how good they were. WE did see them another time in Providence but it wasn't as good as the Avalon show.
I noticed my room is filling up with various stuff i have gotten from home. My photo albums, more clothes and other various stuff. It makes me question how long i will be here. Are they pushing me to quickly. Do they think i am making progress quicker than they thought. Will i fuck it up by falling down again? When do i really want to get out of here anyways? I think it scared a lot of my friends at the prospect that yes i am in here but just how long i could be in here. I think after a while people just may forget me here. Just like after Jeremy killed himself. People were there at first but then they move on. Maybe that's just natures path.
back from my 2 hour pass with D. I think it went well. We caught up to date on each other and heard how the hockey team was doing. I really needed that pass. I was starting to lost it a bit. I think staff saw it too but didn't say anything. After Dave left i head to the back of my room to nap. I can't sleep without my meds now. that sucks so bad. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I woke up and i got up around 7:30pm. did a quick walk up and down the halls and came back to write. It's hard to write when you aren't feeling anything.
I'm listening to Sheryl Crow's The Globe Sessions. It's a great album to listen to since a lot of the lyrics sound so familiar to what is happening here. Or maybe i can make it think that i relates to me. I hope R calls tonight. I would like to see her this week since i haven't seen her since last Wednesday. I think she maybe working tonight but I'm not sure.
Oh i mentioned to D that if he needs a new roommate that i maybe able to move in. He was cool with it too. But i told him i wasn't sure or not though and i said my mom's house was a bad place for me to be. He's a pretty positive person and we get along really well. He can make me go to the gym too which i hate.
1 comment:
I've have been to the edge of suicide. I am so thankful now that I didn't carry out the act. Life gets better. Why leave the movie now? Wait until the end of the show, just to see how things turn out. We're all going to die eventually, so hang on and hang tough. People love you, but if you aren't here, how can you ever find out your future?
I was hospitalized for suicidal tendancies a long time ago. The hospital, the doctors, the nurses, the staff, none of them helped me. I had to help myself. I had to focus on goals that I could achieve and take each day as it came.
You have friends you've yet to make... love you've yet to feel... places you've yet to see... experiences you've yet to live through. There is so much more out there than you realize at this point.
I am sad tonight because you are dealing with these issues. Love yourself, and you will be amazed at the difference it will "eventually" make in your life.
I wish you peace, love and happiness!
Sincerely,
Melissa
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