Go meet my case worker and act like a total asshole to her because i don't know what the fuck i want. I think i waste her time every week i see her. She could be doing something else and there are probably people a lot worse off in different ways than i am.
I don't talk to anyone for a couple of days and people get all freaked out because of it. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE! I'm sure everyone got the clue but now since what has happened in the past year i have people all over me wondering what the hell is going on with me.
If i am going to hurt myself no one will be able to help me. We should have all learned that from Jeremy.
I got through life not giving a fuck about anyone. I always think negative and i allways manage to hurt everyone i know in some way in the end. I want to be a good person but i don't think i have it in me.
With Jeremy i loved him but i wasn't the best person to him all the time and i think i was the one that drove him away not his depression. Maybe is some way i did drive him to kill himself and if it's true then what kind of person am i?
I think that because i never let anyone in then i will never help myself get over the things that have become in my life. The one time i do let someone in they kill themselves and for that how do i just let go of the things in the past.
Fuck i don't even let myself cry and i don't even know why. I won't let myself do it. This past week and i can't look at anything positive and it's not fair for other people around me to get that backlash. It's not fair for someone to take my ups and downs. I always think one day i will figure it out but it's been 31 years and i'm still trying to figure it out.
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