It's Sunday and it's 11:15am. I just decided to get up and write. Motivation for me is getting harder and harder I've noticed. I don't mind writing because it's right here next to me and i can still stay in my bed also.
I didn't sleep well last night again. I maybe slept 2 hours again. I was almost asleep until K stared ranting and raving around 3 or 4am. I was pretty pissed about that too. It's a nightly thing too but last night was the worst. The 3rd shift team needs to tel him to be quiet when he is up there.
I feel pretty good again for not sleeping much the past 2 days but i was like that before i was taking the ambien. I'm wondering if I'm starting to get immune to the ambien since i think it's habit forming. I think the klonipin is habit forming also. I've been noticing my hands shaking here and there and when i lay in bed i twitch a lot which is kinda annoying when you are almost asleep. Fucking meds!
Since I'm spending so much time in my room I'm surprised they don't note it to Dr. C. I'm waiting for him to ask me about it. I feel a bit panicky today. My heart feels like it's racing, hands are a bit shaky and i feel nervous. I'm just chilling in my room too.
Layed around for a while and decided to do my word seeks. Finished off my first book finally and now I'm trying to finish off my little book. Listening to my ipod now and its on shuffle. R called really quick to let me know how E did in his hockey games. they won 2 and lost 1. They have 1 more game to go. R said she had to run back to the hospital and said that she would call at 9. I'm not counting on it but at least she tries.
Ive been thinking about Jeremy today and the way he died. He really died alone and didn't give any indication that he wanted to commit suicide. I thought i knew what it was like to be in his shoes but i see now that i really didn't. Covering himself up to make sure who ever found him didn't see the damage he did to himself. I really want to know just how alone and what he was thinking before he did it. It's getting to me again thinking that i really wish i could have helped him again. He didn't deserves to go out like he did. I def feel lost and alone with him here on this earth. Looking at all the pictures of him in my book in every picture he is smiling. What went so wrong that he had to go and shot himself. The situation is just so fucked up and i can't get that image of him in that bed covered up. I never saw it but it doesn't take that much imagination. I think i am really facing the reality of this whole ting and the new details. I still cant comprehend how he got the gun. If he didn't have the gun could he have gone through hanging himself? He did have the rope for a week. Maybe he still would have been here. I don't think he would have hung himself but yet again i never would imagine him shooting himself. So determined that he shot twice. Even though he flinched the first time and missed. I wish he would have thought more after that first shot. I wonder how long in between it was with the shots. I just wish i wasn't such an asshole and just sucked it up and helped him anyways that i could have. Even if it came down to him taking the pugs for a while. I feel like i was really selfish about this whole thing. The break up that is. I really regret telling him i wouldn't be friends with him for as long as he was with M. I'm pissed at the fact that she is just trying to forget Jeremy. You don't forget a boy like that. No matter how long you knew him for he always made a mark on you.
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