Sat:
I have the feeling of being like a ghost. Just floating around in a slow state of mind but yet feeling just as angry as i was on Thursday. The klonopin in the morning makes me flee like i can barely function and carrying on doing daily things. Thoughts still racing but just going in and out so i forget. Trying to read a book is a takes and a half. Reading 2 chapters on Isolation, Denial and Anger. Understanding it feels impossible. Or that i just can't get the point because of my meds.
I just want to feel "normal" again. I rather be in a stage of anger than feeling nothing. The chances of me no matter how angry i am to actually hurt someone are pretty slim since i have never physically hurt someone intentionally with the exception of playing hockey. Then meds make me feel angry. I really don't think it's the issues that i am dealing with right now.
I feel like the meds are making me break my will. There isn't much will but there is some left and i think i will be just dependant on these for the rest of my life. Breaking what i have left of me. Thinking this way makes me even more thoughtful about hurting myself again. I almost feel out of control of what i can do to try to help me and now i feel like i would have to be dependant on something for the rest of my life. Then independence that i have had my whole life is quickly slipping out of my hands.
I still feel like if i really say what i feel i will be punished for it. Expressing my anger and put on a level 2 really put me in reality check to see if i really want to be truthful. I know i want to help but at the same time if i am having a hard time with my emotions that i will be punished by either being more medicated or put on a level 2 and my privs taken away.
As it is the hardest time being here. Constantly being watched and being extremely limited to certain areas is hard to fathom. Since i can remember i have control of every part of me and what i do.
Knowing that i maybe here for another 6 months has put a great stress on myself. Just how much of a hold i have really dug? Is the dealing with the death of Jeremy just a piece of the puzzle? Most likely is the case. For as long as i can remember i have never really felt "happy". Maybe it's because no one was really there i had to do stuff on my own that i have become unhappy.
Is all this really worth it? Will i really get past my suicidal thoughts. How long have they been really there. Maybe it took some reality to realise that i have never been happy and I've wanted to commit suicide all along.
The coolest guy and the most unlikeliest guy in the world can do it with a gun. Why can't i? the person i feel that i really am is the one that deserves to die, not this guy. What has taken me so long to think about suicide. What is it going to take for me to say that it is wrong to think that it is wrong to take your own life. How am i going to finish myself off?
It's options are unlimited if you can pull it off correctly. I'm not sure what would the perfect thing would be but some idea's are better than other idea's. the one I'm thinking will most likely do the trick. It will be quick, violent but painless. Then way i think everyone should die quick and painless.
I've been living in my head for so long i don't know how long it will take me to get out of it. I'm not afraid to dies at all now. I was a bit before Jeremy died. Now i just hope that someone would take my life instead of me doing it. At least it would be easier for my friends and family to deal with. I know how hard it is (was) to deal with Jeremy.
I just can't feel guilty for killing myself. I can't get in my head that i am hurting other people so much. I have myself for it too. It's such a selfish thing to do. It should be a choice also. You don't choose to be murdered by someone, you don't choose to get killed in a car crash either.
So why exactly am i still here? Why am i at a mental hospital when i feel like there isn't anything left for me. When i know that i have a plan when i get out too. What is making me stay here? As it is i get really for the most part trust anyone (as in the staff). I never have really trusted anyone in the first place. I am very unsure of the patients here also. There is no one here who is like me that i know of. So there goes that vicious cycle of being independent but also being isolated which puts me in my black hole which i have been in for so many years. Is there going to be a sunny day in my life? When do i know that i can go out there and wear my heart on my sleeve? When can i freely cry and say "hey it's OK, you won't be judged by that"?
I am faced with so many questions i feel overwhelmed with i am going to work through. Is taking a pill and feel numb really the answer. I feel so far way from myself
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