Normalcy

I know i spelled that wrong but i don't really give a fuck.

Now i'm thinking on why i hate everything about my life....past, present and future. I think i always wanted some sort of normalcy and i never had it. Single mom who is an alcoholic and still is to this day. No real structure in my life ever. I could do what i wanted and i never did anything bad really. All i wanted in school was to fit in some what. I never did and i played sports and i was pretty good at them also. I never did that well in school because all i wanted to do was play sports but i got by with help from the teachers. I couldn't wait to get out of high school and it was a misrable exprierence. I can't spell very well because i'm a bit fucked up from some pills i took and for all i know none of this will make any sense the next time i actually read this.

Maybe for all i know all i really want is to be good at something that will make me happy. I doubt i will ever find anything like that because i am just that maybe just normal in a fucked up way. I went through life as a kid raising myself for the most part so now when i am around friends with kids and they have some sort of issue i just see it as kind like toughen up type of thing. 

I hate what i have become and i have no idea when i will become something. I don't want to be a part of something i just want to be something on my own. All my life i have been alone essentially and this is all i may ever know.

I can't even imagine being in another relationship because the last one i was in was the one.

Things lately have been ok until last night and all hell is breaking loose within me. I had my 2nd ever panic attack and the 1st one was because of a medication i was on that just really fucked me up and now this. So since last night i have just been taking pills that don't make me feel a thing, i feel like a ghost right now and i am content with that. I don't care what people may think of that but i guess its my comfort zone of dealing with situations beyond my control.

I've locked myself in my house and i will go out when i'm ready again. I talk to people today trying to sound normal and i think i pulled it off. I put my phone on mute so no one can contact me that way. It's all or nothing with me. Would people really miss me anyways? Seriously. It will hurt for a bit but it all goes away in the end. Hey we're all gonna die sometime right?