Sunday
With 1 phone call everything has changed. A person who was such a fixture in my life losing him twice has proved to be such a huge struggle.
More than i have would have ever thought. Trying to think positive thoughts of these situation has proved impossible as of now.
Ignoring his admission and his faults have now made me angry and selfish for not doing more. The only thing i can do is blame myself for ignoring his pain and what is ever harder to think about now that it made me "happy" to know he was in a dark hole. Maybe he knew that i was glad about his pain and that drove him over the edge. Maybe it was his revenge to end himself. That is the conclusion i am coming to. I knew i was the only one that could help him and i made a choice to no help him again for what he did to me. Was it his choice to break up with me? Most likely not but it still killed me that day and was pretty much the death of both of us.
Now that i am in this hospital with a lot to think about. I have been thinking more and better reason to go up and haunt him. I to find him and tell him how much he has fucked me over. I have completely lost myself and isolated myself so much that i can not connect with anyone.
I just want to go back to those days where you would hold me so i could say warm and fall asleep. I want to be at that place where we would just drive and talk about anything, everything. Why can't we be out of the ball field walking the pugs or taking them to the beach and watch them play together.
You were my best friend in the whole world and i know you have said the same thing too. We were so opposite in so many ways but we just had that connection from day one. i never had to think of the future because i thought we would be there together. I'm sure you could have picked almost any girl out there but you picked me. I doubt i will ever find anyone who could deal with my ups and downs and just see me as me.
I put so much time and put away so much pain on the back burner for you when you became so depressed. I had to do what i could and i would do anything for you to help you get out of your pain. I hope now that you are gone and hopefully watching that you really see what i did to help you.
The questions to ask you that i will never know but if i do leave and i find you that you can tell me why. At the same time right at this moment i do know how you feel. Maybe you did this to show me what it was really like to be in your shoes.
If i was given the chance to be with you again before the suicide could i have stopped you? Or just i just delay the path again. That is a question that i have a hard time dealing with. Did i just waste my time helping you in 2001? Yeah i think it wasn't worth it at all. I almost wish you should have done it then. I think i would have taken it better since i knew what was going on and that i knew you wanted to leave this world.
You still hold me. I feel like i am in a crystal ball with the snow flakes in it. You make me questions myself even more everyday. You make me feel like going to find you and think that is going to because i can't stop thinking about you. Every thought is you and why you are not here. Why did you leave me here to defend myself and this world alone while i had helped you fight the world and yourself once before.
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