Woke up feeling tired still. Not the best place to get a good nights sleep. Doesn't help even with the pills. The days just fly by but there's not time here anyways.
I just walk the halls with my hoodie on and my ipod on.
Just hoping they wouldn't notice. But at the same i wish they would say something. Everything here seems amplified and it's hard to get away. My hope is a quiet place to just reflect.
I feel like giving up, just giving in to what my thoughts are thinking. I'm trying to break my resistance to change. Trying to get to that place where it's OK to live. I don't want to live in my head.
I just want to keep running from the pain. But it just keeps catching up to me.
I need to find what i want. I need to think of a future.
Positive day today. I'm in an upswing right now. It's a good feeling when i feel this way. Nothing isn't my way. That's how i feel. Went to every group today which is a first for me. We didn't have a walking group today though. Went to transitions group and i thought that is the best group out of all of the self help groups. We talked about goals and what we wanted to do to get outs and prevent a relapse. I know it's easy to say what you may do but when you really get out there it maybe a completely different story.
D called tonight and we are planning on hanging out on Sunday. I think it will be good times since we get along so well. We know each other well too. I;m not sure what we'll do but I'm sure we'll do but we can find something cool.
I had a good talk with M today. She's going to be a good PA i think. I'm getting comfortable talking with her also. We talked about my ups and downs. She wanted me to talk about what i wanted to talk about and that was hard but it is part of my treatment plan. I need to talk. We talked a bit about what i may do when get out. The living sitch wise. I will haven't really thought about it. But i did mention my possible options. It was a great talk and she seems to talk to me more than anyone else but that may be just me. We also talked a bit on when i could get out and she said originally 2 months but when i got angry last week they pushed it back a bit but now since have stabilized we maybe getting on track again. I am not making any plans soon on when to get out. I want my meds and myself to be stable and up and down. I told her that my downs were getting worse. So we will figure out how to deal with that and what is causing it.
I'm still reading the chapter of the book Dr. C game me. I have to read it and interpret it in my own way. The chapters were Denial and Isolation, Anger. I passed on with my denial one to M and i said i would work on the other part later. I told her i wanted to be angry a bit to follow it better. So I'm saving it for a bit later.
I'm meeting with the Rev Dr. tomorrow morning to get a quick session in and hopeful I'll be talking with Dr. C tomorrow as well.
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